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Rams Consult With American Mustache Institute

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  • Rams Consult With American Mustache Institute

    This is no joke. The press release has just been sent out!

    St. Louis Rams Veteran Players Consult With American Mustache Institute on Mustache Strategy

    August 4, 2008 (Mequon, Wis.) – As the St. Louis Rams break training camp in Mequon, Wis., and prepare to depart for Nashville for a pre-season game against the Tennessee Titans, key veterans have engaged the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute (AMI) to consult on facial hair grooming for select rookies to ensure the team harnesses the strength, power and wisdom of the mustache to the greatest extent possible.

    “We are committed to doing everything we can to make 2008 a playoff caliber-season,” said veteran bare-lipped weakside linebacker Pisa Tinoisamoa. “While I cannot grow one as I suffer from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), I recognize the power of the mustache. So we brought in the experts to ensure we best-harness that power.”

    Understanding the rich tradition of NFL stalwarts who wore thick, rich, glorious mustaches – players like Dick Butkus, Bubba Smith, Conrad Dobler, Dan Dierdorf, and Mike Ditka – early in camp, Tinoisamoa and mustached starting middle linebacker Will Witherspoon directed Rams rookies to grow lip sweaters (or in Latin, “labia sebucula”).

    And understanding the power of the mustache and that it could better-ensure their ability to make the opening day Rams roster, rookies Chris Long, David Vobora and John Greco wisely accepted the challenge.

    The veteran players contacted AMI to consult and ensure that safe growing techniques were being implemented.

    “Many people don’t realize this, but a mustached American can stare-down, and crack a walnut at 50 paces,” said Dr. Aaron Perlut, executive director of AMI. “Our work with the Rams will help them harness this energy to improve defensive reads, better wrap-up at the point of impact when making tackles, and look good doing it.”

    When the team returns to St. Louis, Dr. Perlut will be working on-site at The Russell Training Center in his new role as deputy assistant to the assistant deputy trainer for mustache and health related issues.

    “We must ensure the players’ diets are rich in riboflavin and niacin – often found in such foods a ham, bacon, sausage, and pork rinds – as that will ensure for healthier mustache growth and a thick, shiny coat,” added Dr. Perlut. “This will be especially important for outdoor away games as the temperatures grow colder, and allow the Rams to more easily intimidate pathetically bare-lipped teams.”

    The AMI can be reached at or 877-STACHE-1.

  • #2
    Uh, okay...
    The OFFICIAL Lounge Sponsor of:


    • #3
      Two of the biggest mustasche cliches going today....Police Officer & Fast Food Manager.


      • #4
        Originally posted by Jack Daniels View Post
        Two of the biggest mustasche cliches going today....Police Officer & Fast Food Manager.
        Is it a cliche if 85% of police officers have one?
        Official Lounge Sponsor
        Jim Beam, Fun Dip, and Guns 'N Roses

        2014 TP College Football Pick'em Champion


        • #5


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            • #7

              Dude reminds me of my father-in-law.


              • #8
                NSFW -excessive profanity

                Last edited by JMolina; 08-06-2008, 01:40 PM.