Tweet
Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the
extraordinary
sexual activities that can be performed by men:
1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face,
repeatedly dip your
scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag
in a cup of hot
water. An old favorite.
2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you
shit on her chest.
(a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls
asleep and then
jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from
someone else.
4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then
moments before you
ejaculate, sticking your dick in her ass, and then
punching her in the
back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation,
but for it to work
correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her
asshole tightens up.
5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl.
(a.k.a.: water sports)
6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on
the neck/cleavage
area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful
jewelry.
7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room
of a nasty skank
and you know you've got to give her the slip. However,
you realize that
your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must
gnaw off your own
arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is
giving you oral sex and
you withdraw your penis in order to slap it on her
cheek. It should
leave a lasting impression similar to a purple
mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is
lying on her back
and you are hammering her from your knees, you
carefully balance
yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up.
You then to flap
your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly
a class move.
10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position,
you hook your pinky
fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper
penetration.
11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind,
when you start
ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic
motion. The force of the
wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy
for those lulls in
penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for
when you attempt to
insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named
because it can be
just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving
it a bath.
13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic.
You start by going
doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying
it, you grab onto
her tits as tightly as possible and yell another
girl's name. This gives
you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to
buck you off.
14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex
when a girl is not
wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money,
the inside of her
twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face
and having her eat
your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much
pressure as possible
before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all
over her face,
neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so
drunk that when you go
down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
17. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which
while laying the
bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said
woman's asshole,
pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a
thin, shit
moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name
would be Dirty
Sanchez.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand
around, so that your
thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that
rodeo folks use;
hence, western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do
this right. It
involves having her suck you off while you're on the
shitter.
20. The Bismarck - Another one involving oral sex.
Right before you are
about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face.
Follow that with a
punch and smear the blood and jism together.
21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismarck. All
you have to do is
punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on
your balls,
repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act
where one person is
forced to chow asshole with the help of whatever
condiments are
available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never
going to prison.
24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your
finger in her
pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed
winking motion to see
what the hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping away,
and you discover
that it's her time of the month. By no means do you
stop though. When
the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry
smothers your
face.
26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty
trollop who has a
mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's
afro, when a mammoth
fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to
beat the piss out
of her.
27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's
chest and then titty
fuck her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during
an anal probe is
for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud
and use multiple
digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2
knuckles required
(either on one finger or on multiple).
29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting
a chick from
behind (with both partners standing), make sure you
don't let her grab
onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your
hips into her
backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The
goal is to push
her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on
her face. You
attain the status of Admiral when you can push her
around the room
without crashing into anything and not using your
hands to grab onto her
hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the
skank's face and
taking a dump.
31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets
while getting head.
You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be
anatomically impossible,
but it is definitely worth a try.
32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's
on all fours,
reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on
her face.
33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you
fart while humping,
pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until
all movement
ceases.
34. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reach around while
getting your salad
tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.
35. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her
face and let it drip
off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the
turkey's chin.
36. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.
37. Bargoyle - The hideous old hair-spray hag who
seems to live at your
local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly,
spends hundreds of
dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually
threatening comments
to frightened college freshmen.
38. Mangry - Describing the anger of women who are
angry at men,
specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain
mangry."
39. Clitourist - A man who won't stop and ask for
directions in bed. ie:
"Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realized that
her new boyfriend
was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a
clitourist."
40. Australian Death Grip - The act of grabbing a
woman by the
haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until
you're slapped or
kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars.
Another great
opportunity for wagering among friends.
41. Valsalva - The act of pinching shut (with thumb
and forefinger) a
woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective
when employed just
prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and
ensuing swallow
that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing.
A great first date
ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of
engagement will be
going forward.
42. Angry dragon - This involves the girl giving the
guy head, and as he
is about to cum, karate-chopping the girl in the
throat, causing the cum
to shoot out her nose.
43. Tony Danza - a takeoff of the donkey punch is
called the Tony Danza.
When you are about to cum while doing a girl from
behind, you say "who's
the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says
anything you shout
"TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
44. Alaskan fire dragon - another good take off is one
of the angry
dragon that is called the Alaskan fire dragon. When a
girl is giving you
a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up
her mouth at the
same time. Then whisper in her ear "i have syphilis"
so she spews it out
her nose.
45. The Fat Lip - If you get poison ivy and finger a
girl, her labia
lips will swell. A la, the fat lip.
46. The Houdini - this maneuver is accomplished while
going at it doggy
style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out
and spit on the
small of her back (making her think you've
finished...). It's at the
point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your
load in her face
(in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques
down.) Also known as
the Doug Hennings and the David Copperfield.
47. Upperdecking (not sexual)- This one takes
practice. This maneuver
requires a toilet with a tank above it, like the ones
in most homes.
Instead of crapping in the bowl, you shit in the tank
(i.e.
upperdecking). Now don't flush. When the following
victim flushes, the
rancid waste fills the bowl. If you play your cards
right, it may
ferment.
48. Airtight - this is where a girl has a cock in each
of her three
holes, hence, airtight.
49. The Throne of Lightning - This is done by fucking
a girl while you
shit in a toilet. When you're going to blow your load,
turn her over and
dunk her head in the toilet, while she's bobbing for
your turd plummet a
river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with
"Ride the Lightning,"
a Metallica album.
50. Abe Lincoln - You're getting a girl up the ass and
give her a swift
donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her
unconscious. You then
turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all
over her face. Then
you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread
it where you
jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol
Honest Abe's
51. The Beverly Hills Whiffer -This move is restricted
to those women
who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a
woman of the above
description. Take her home and start doggie styling
her. When you're
about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass,
scraping as much shit
as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach
around her head to
stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back
so she can see you
while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink
now ?!"
52. Shanghai Shampoo - Fuck a chick until you've built
up a load large
enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub
it in thoroughly.
When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles
often served with
chop suey.
53. Frosting the Cake - When you are about to cum,
blow a load all over
her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the
Jism around the
breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles
on it and start
singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles
54. Toboggan - At the top of a flight of stairs, as
you're doggy-styling
a chick, give her a modified donkey punch between her
shoulders. As her
arms fly into the air, grab her wrists and thrust. You
should be able to
ride her down the stairs like a toboggan.
55. The Triple Crown of Sex - In the yapper, the
snapper and the crapper
all in the same session.
56. Tombstone 69 - while having standing 69 with her
upside down, wait
till you cheeze then exclaim "tombstone" and drop her
on her head WWF
style. With any luck she will proceed to expel "angry
dragon" style as
well because of the impact.
57. Shanghai Stir-fry - when a girl gives you a
blowjob, pukes all over
your cock and keeps going.
58. Hot Carl - when you withdraw your shaft from the
bowels of her anus
and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning.
59. Cunt Trumpet - While down on a chick, place your
lips solidly over
her love hole and blow, watch her stomach rise as she
fills with air.
Then, with a firm hand push down on her stomach to let
all the air out
like the beautiful sound of a trumpet.
60. Rodeo Fuck - When you are doing your girl doggy
style, bend over and
whisper in her ear, "your almost as good a lay as your
sister..." Then
try to hold on for 8 seconds.
61. Seal the Envelope - When hooking up with a really
drunk girl and she
passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your
load all over her
ass crack. When it dries, it will seal her butt cheeks
together and she
will have to pry them open the next day - hence,
sealing the envelope.
62. The Shocker - Two in the Pink and one in the
Stink. Or for more
stimulation, put two in the cooter, one in the pooter,
and use your
thumb to rub the bush.
63. Louisville Slugger - Your girl is on her knees in
front of you
servicing your pole. At some random point in time
during this act you
pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and
smack her firmly in
the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.
64. The Mumbler - A girl in pants that are too tight
(you can see the
lips moving but you can't make out what they're
saying).
65. The Wheelbarrow - Man and woman are going at it
doggy style on the
floor, then the man grabs the woman's legs and stands
up, leaving the
woman's arms on the ground, and starts running around
the room,
extraordinary
sexual activities that can be performed by men:
1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face,
repeatedly dip your
scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag
in a cup of hot
water. An old favorite.
2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you
shit on her chest.
(a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls
asleep and then
jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from
someone else.
4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then
moments before you
ejaculate, sticking your dick in her ass, and then
punching her in the
back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation,
but for it to work
correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her
asshole tightens up.
5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl.
(a.k.a.: water sports)
6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on
the neck/cleavage
area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful
jewelry.
7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room
of a nasty skank
and you know you've got to give her the slip. However,
you realize that
your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must
gnaw off your own
arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.
8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is
giving you oral sex and
you withdraw your penis in order to slap it on her
cheek. It should
leave a lasting impression similar to a purple
mushroom.
9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is
lying on her back
and you are hammering her from your knees, you
carefully balance
yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up.
You then to flap
your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly
a class move.
10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position,
you hook your pinky
fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper
penetration.
11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind,
when you start
ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic
motion. The force of the
wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy
for those lulls in
penile sensitivity.
12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for
when you attempt to
insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named
because it can be
just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving
it a bath.
13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic.
You start by going
doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying
it, you grab onto
her tits as tightly as possible and yell another
girl's name. This gives
you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to
buck you off.
14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex
when a girl is not
wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money,
the inside of her
twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face
and having her eat
your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much
pressure as possible
before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all
over her face,
neck and tits. (Better in her bed)
16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so
drunk that when you go
down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!
17. The Dirty Sanchez - A time honored event in which
while laying the
bone doggie style, you insert your finger into said
woman's asshole,
pull it out, wipe it across her upper lip leaving a
thin, shit
moustache. This makes her look like someone whose name
would be Dirty
Sanchez.
18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand
around, so that your
thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that
rodeo folks use;
hence, western.
19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do
this right. It
involves having her suck you off while you're on the
shitter.
20. The Bismarck - Another one involving oral sex.
Right before you are
about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face.
Follow that with a
punch and smear the blood and jism together.
21. Jelly Doughnut - A derivation of the Bismarck. All
you have to do is
punch her in the nose while you are getting head.
22. Woody Woodpecker - While a chick is sucking on
your balls,
repeatedly tap the head of your cock on her forehead.
23. Tossing salad - Well known by now. A prison act
where one person is
forced to chow asshole with the help of whatever
condiments are
available, i.e. Jell-O, olive oil, etc. I'm never
going to prison.
24. The Fish Eye - Working from behind, you shove your
finger in her
pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed
winking motion to see
what the hell you are doing.
25. Tuna Melt - You're down on a chick, lapping away,
and you discover
that it's her time of the month. By no means do you
stop though. When
the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of raspberry
smothers your
face.
26. Fur Ball - You're chomping away at some mighty
trollop who has a
mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's
afro, when a mammoth
fur ball gets lodged in your throat and causes you to
beat the piss out
of her.
27. The Chili Dog - You take a dump on the girl's
chest and then titty
fuck her.
28. Gaylord Perry - Going to only one knuckle during
an anal probe is
for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud
and use multiple
digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2
knuckles required
(either on one finger or on multiple).
29. The Rear Admiral - An absolute blast. When getting
a chick from
behind (with both partners standing), make sure you
don't let her grab
onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your
hips into her
backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The
goal is to push
her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on
her face. You
attain the status of Admiral when you can push her
around the room
without crashing into anything and not using your
hands to grab onto her
hips.
30. Glass Bottom Boat - Putting saran wrap over the
skank's face and
taking a dump.
31. Ray Bans - Put your nuts over her eye sockets
while getting head.
You're can is on her forehead. Yes, it may be
anatomically impossible,
but it is definitely worth a try.
32. The Snowmobile - When plugging a girl while she's
on all fours,
reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on
her face.
33. The Dutch Oven - Also well known. Whenever you
fart while humping,
pull the covers over her head. Don't let her out until
all movement
ceases.
34. Rusty Trombone - Getting the reach around while
getting your salad
tossed. Also known as milking the prostate.
35. Turkey Shoot - When you're coming, come on her
face and let it drip
off her chin so it looks like that red shit on the
turkey's chin.
36. Stovepiping - Taking it in the Tush.
37. Bargoyle - The hideous old hair-spray hag who
seems to live at your
local watering hole. She usually smokes endlessly,
spends hundreds of
dollars a night on video-poker, and makes sexually
threatening comments
to frightened college freshmen.
38. Mangry - Describing the anger of women who are
angry at men,
specifically. "She's such a bitch, she's just plain
mangry."
39. Clitourist - A man who won't stop and ask for
directions in bed. ie:
"Because of his fouled foreplay, Suzy realized that
her new boyfriend
was no experienced bedroom traveler, but merely a
clitourist."
40. Australian Death Grip - The act of grabbing a
woman by the
haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until
you're slapped or
kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars.
Another great
opportunity for wagering among friends.
41. Valsalva - The act of pinching shut (with thumb
and forefinger) a
woman's nose while receiving fellatio; most effective
when employed just
prior to the release point due to the gag reflex and
ensuing swallow
that the woman is forced to do to continue breathing.
A great first date
ploy, as it sets the stage for what the rules of
engagement will be
going forward.
42. Angry dragon - This involves the girl giving the
guy head, and as he
is about to cum, karate-chopping the girl in the
throat, causing the cum
to shoot out her nose.
43. Tony Danza - a takeoff of the donkey punch is
called the Tony Danza.
When you are about to cum while doing a girl from
behind, you say "who's
the boss?" and stick it in her ass. Before she says
anything you shout
"TONY DANZA!" and punch her in the back of the head.
44. Alaskan fire dragon - another good take off is one
of the angry
dragon that is called the Alaskan fire dragon. When a
girl is giving you
a blowjob, cum in her mouth unexpectedly and plug up
her mouth at the
same time. Then whisper in her ear "i have syphilis"
so she spews it out
her nose.
45. The Fat Lip - If you get poison ivy and finger a
girl, her labia
lips will swell. A la, the fat lip.
46. The Houdini - this maneuver is accomplished while
going at it doggy
style. As you feel you are about to cum, you pull out
and spit on the
small of her back (making her think you've
finished...). It's at the
point when she turns around when *BAM!* You bust your
load in her face
(in the eye if you've got proper aiming techniques
down.) Also known as
the Doug Hennings and the David Copperfield.
47. Upperdecking (not sexual)- This one takes
practice. This maneuver
requires a toilet with a tank above it, like the ones
in most homes.
Instead of crapping in the bowl, you shit in the tank
(i.e.
upperdecking). Now don't flush. When the following
victim flushes, the
rancid waste fills the bowl. If you play your cards
right, it may
ferment.
48. Airtight - this is where a girl has a cock in each
of her three
holes, hence, airtight.
49. The Throne of Lightning - This is done by fucking
a girl while you
shit in a toilet. When you're going to blow your load,
turn her over and
dunk her head in the toilet, while she's bobbing for
your turd plummet a
river of semen in her ass. Not to be confused with
"Ride the Lightning,"
a Metallica album.
50. Abe Lincoln - You're getting a girl up the ass and
give her a swift
donkey punch to the back of her head, knocking her
unconscious. You then
turn her around and jerk off and blow your load all
over her face. Then
you shave her beaver and take the clippings and spread
it where you
jizzed on her, making a beard that looks like good ol
Honest Abe's
51. The Beverly Hills Whiffer -This move is restricted
to those women
who think they're God's gift to the world. Find a
woman of the above
description. Take her home and start doggie styling
her. When you're
about to blow, corkscrew two fingers into her ass,
scraping as much shit
as you can from her. Pull out your fingers, reach
around her head to
stick one finger in each nostril. Pull her head back
so she can see you
while you yell "So, you think your shit don't stink
now ?!"
52. Shanghai Shampoo - Fuck a chick until you've built
up a load large
enough to paint a room. Blow it all in her hair, rub
it in thoroughly.
When it dries it will resemble the crunchy noodles
often served with
chop suey.
53. Frosting the Cake - When you are about to cum,
blow a load all over
her chest. Then take your dick and evenly spread the
Jism around the
breasts and over the nipples. Then stick some candles
on it and start
singing "Happy Birthday." Then blow out the candles
54. Toboggan - At the top of a flight of stairs, as
you're doggy-styling
a chick, give her a modified donkey punch between her
shoulders. As her
arms fly into the air, grab her wrists and thrust. You
should be able to
ride her down the stairs like a toboggan.
55. The Triple Crown of Sex - In the yapper, the
snapper and the crapper
all in the same session.
56. Tombstone 69 - while having standing 69 with her
upside down, wait
till you cheeze then exclaim "tombstone" and drop her
on her head WWF
style. With any luck she will proceed to expel "angry
dragon" style as
well because of the impact.
57. Shanghai Stir-fry - when a girl gives you a
blowjob, pukes all over
your cock and keeps going.
58. Hot Carl - when you withdraw your shaft from the
bowels of her anus
and place it directly into her mouth for a cleaning.
59. Cunt Trumpet - While down on a chick, place your
lips solidly over
her love hole and blow, watch her stomach rise as she
fills with air.
Then, with a firm hand push down on her stomach to let
all the air out
like the beautiful sound of a trumpet.
60. Rodeo Fuck - When you are doing your girl doggy
style, bend over and
whisper in her ear, "your almost as good a lay as your
sister..." Then
try to hold on for 8 seconds.
61. Seal the Envelope - When hooking up with a really
drunk girl and she
passes out before you cum, turn her over and blow your
load all over her
ass crack. When it dries, it will seal her butt cheeks
together and she
will have to pry them open the next day - hence,
sealing the envelope.
62. The Shocker - Two in the Pink and one in the
Stink. Or for more
stimulation, put two in the cooter, one in the pooter,
and use your
thumb to rub the bush.
63. Louisville Slugger - Your girl is on her knees in
front of you
servicing your pole. At some random point in time
during this act you
pull out, twist your hips, yell "BATTER UP!!!!" and
smack her firmly in
the cheek with your baseball bat like cock.
64. The Mumbler - A girl in pants that are too tight
(you can see the
lips moving but you can't make out what they're
saying).
65. The Wheelbarrow - Man and woman are going at it
doggy style on the
floor, then the man grabs the woman's legs and stands
up, leaving the
woman's arms on the ground, and starts running around
the room,
Comment