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Dickipedia - OIL

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  • Dickipedia - OIL

    Crude "Petroleum" Oil (born 65,000,000 BC) is a naturally occurring, flammable liquid found in rock formations on Earth, a complex mixture of hydrocarbons and organic compounds, a fossil fuel, the primary ingredient in gasoline (as well as derivatives like lubricants), and a dick. At the time of its discovery, oil was an innocuous, helpful and celebrated substance. However, it has since become the biggest jerk among naturally forming chemical compounds.
    Though many other dicks have started wars, caused pollution, destroyed economies, and formed the base for several lubricants, oil is by far the most prominent offender.

    Early life

    Just like human dicks, oil spent much of its early life not being a dick. It was simply content being a layer of sediment that was agreeable and pleasant to spend time with. All of that changed 100 million years later.
    Thanks to a process of heating and compression, this sediment was converted into rich pockets of oil fields. In the 4th century, the Chinese, early dicks themselves, began extracting oil from the ground using bamboo poles, and subsequently burned it to separate salt from water. To this day, the sight of a salt shaker can still elicit tears from Hummer-driving douchebags, saddened to know that so much oil was wasted in the preparation of a mere flavor enhancer.
    Not long after, the Middle East began a process of industrialization, and oil was frequently used for lanterns and tar. No one had guns yet, so Middle Easterners were probably a happy lot, unaware that they'd just discovered the cause of practically every problem they would ever encounter in their future history.
    Oil officially blossomed into a full dick in 1859 when Colonel Drake set up an oilrig in Pennsylvania. Over the next 50 years, drilling would take place throughout the United States. At the time, oil was in high demand for use in lamps, enabling consumers to fulfill their reasonable demand to be able to see at night. Currently, oil is mostly used to power giant machines that serve as a replacements for people’s self-esteem, insecurity, or sexual inadequacy.

    Oil today

    Oil—or "Texas tea," as it is referred to by fans of The Beverly Hillbillies and people who are doing annoying, old-timey vaudeville impressions—grew up very quickly in the 21st century and became one of the most valuable substances on earth, not to mention a huge asshole.
    By the 1960s, giant corporations owned 80 percent of oil access. Unfortunately for American dicks, very few those corporations were based in America. In the ensuing years, both the American government and its prominent businesspeople have maintained relationships with those international dicks who come from the countries that could effectively control the supply of oil, including lunatics such as: Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Vladimir Putin. Such is the power of oil, that it can force dicks from opposite sides of the world, who would normally have nothing to do with each other, to interact in the name of ever-expanding global economic dickishness.
    Between 2006 and 2008, oil was in such demand that gasoline prices skyrocketed and caused major economic hardships for the average American. During this time, as many hard-working, middle class Americans suffered, the Exxon Mobil Corporation also struggled posted record profits.

    Dick activities


    Global warming

    Although "there is no general consensus" and "we don't know for sure," the general consensus is that scientists know for sure that oil is causing global warming. When oil is burned, carbon dioxide is released into the atmosphere; the more carbon dioxide that is released, the more our ozone layer gets depleted, which is a big drag on our environment, unless you are Fox News or Senator James Inhofe, in which case, it's totally fine, no big deal, nothing to see here.
    Although those alive today are unlikely to see many of the major future consequences of climate change, we have already begun to experience some very disturbing effects of global warming. These include: a growing number of books with frightening/smarmy titles that are often purchased and rarely read; unpleasant conversations with activist college students; and angry celebrities who film PSAs telling you which kind of light bulbs to buy before being driven back to their giant homes in large expensive automobiles.


    Much of the world's oil exists among people who can't yet afford to purchase vehicles in which to use it. To date, these poor cultures have been unable to commandeer the proceeds earned by their vast natural resources from a bunch of super rich Arab guys who are using the money to build 14-star hotels situated on man-made islands in the shape of palm trees. As a result, oil must be transported, generally via rusting tanker ships, to places where other people are wealthy enough to use it in vast quantities. Occasionally, these rust buckets hit things and spill their oil everywhere, exposing oil’s true dick potential and ruining the surrounding environment. While this can be a devastating to an area’s ecosystems and local economies, frequently the people most affected are those who were unable to afford the oil in the first place, and who now find themselves with a free and abundant supply all over their natural landscape and indigenous wildlife. So it works out for everyone, assuming, at least, that these oil-soaked communities can at least afford enough paper towels to efficiently collect the oil.
    Making Things Go


    To the average person, oil’s dickish personality manifests itself in the form of gasoline, its most common byproduct. While many issues have divided Americans in recent years, the one thing we have all been able to agree on is that paying more than four dollars for a gallon of gasoline totally blows. The upside to this situation, however, is that it has become a good thing to talk about at cocktail parties with people you don’t really know and to whom you don’t really have anything else to say. Try it sometime. Say, “Can you believe these gas prices?” We can guarantee you they will not be able to believe it.

    Oil has gas

    In addition to being a dick, oil also has gas. Natural gas is a fossil fuel consisting primarily of methane but also includes significant quantities of ethane, propane, butane, and pentane. While it might be tempting to think that natural gas is a cleaner alternative to oil, it frequently explodes, which can really suck. Not all gas extracted from oil can be used—some of it is deemed too "sour " and needs to be "sweetened," two terms that, in light of the obvious “gas” metaphor, are totally disgusting.

    Future work

    It’s expected that oil will continue to be a dick as long as it is around. When oil finally dries up for good, scientists predict that we’ll figure out how to turn another substance into a dick. Probably corn. Or maybe the wind.

    Mr. G

  • #2
    good stuff there
    25MM jobs in 10 years / 4% GDP Growth / Insurance for everybody / Schools flush with cash don't produce results
    Jan 2017: 4.7% U-3, 9.2% U-6, 62.7% LFPR, 5.2% Real Wages, 2.6% GDP, 19,827 DJIA, 2,271 S&P500, $2.316/gal