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Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character

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  • Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character

    STORY

    IRVING, TX—Upon hearing that team owner Jerry Jones had traded draft picks to the Tennessee Titans for troubled cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens held a press conference to discuss his personal misgivings over acquiring a troubled player whose me-first personality and history of off-the-field issues could potentially damage the team.

    "I think my character speaks for itself," Owens told reporters after arriving late to the press conference in his custom Hummer, which he parked on the sidewalk directly in front of the Texas Stadium press entrance. "You all know what I think of players who are locker-room distractions, who can't play with the team, who always have to be in the spotlight. I'm warning you—this 'Pac-Man' guy has the reputation of being one of those self-centered types no one can stand."

    "You heard it here first," Owens added, taking time to glare at each camera present for at least 10 seconds. "From me, TO. No need to ask any else. That's it. That's all. That's the final word, everything the best wide receiver in the NFL has to say. Period."

    Owens then spent 25 minutes reading aloud from a list of every problem Jones had experienced during his troubled three-year tenure in the NFL.

    "He's been in fights at nightclubs, he's been implicated in a shooting at a strip club—a strip club!—in Las Vegas. Las Vegas!" Owens said after finishing the list. "Several times he's been around people who were involved with drugs. Drugs, man. Drugs. And he has been observed on more than one occasion being openly disrespectful to women. And now he's a Dallas Cowboy? It doesn't make any sense. I'm just glad that Michael Irvin isn't around to see this."

    Owens then fell silent for several minutes, his anger evidently transformed into sadness, before suddenly producing a large bottle of painkillers and attempting to swallow the contents. Upon being restrained by security, Owens addressed what the acquisition of Jones would mean to the team as a whole.

    "The Cowboys have always been the good guys, the character team, the class act, the golden boys of this league, the one everybody cheers for, the underdog, the nice guys, the pillars of the NFL community, the symbol for hard work and clean living, the team player's team, the modest and humble ones—in short, everything I've tried to stand for as a player," Owens said, punctuating each word he spoke by forcefully striking the lectern with a custom-made, Swarovski-crystal bedecked "T.O." water bottle. "How could Jerry Jones—how could the Cowboys—how could the NFL—how could God in Heaven let this happen to me? To me!"

    Owens then repeated the word "Me!" at the top of his lungs roughly 20 times before bursting into tears and collapsing to the floor.

    "I just think it's sad that I should have to put up with it, not to mention Tommy [sic] Rommell [sic], who tried so hard to throw me the ball last season, and the, the defense, the defensive, you know, players, and coach… Coach… Yeah, and Coach, too, and I. No one wants to deal with a guy who doesn't even know other people exist. Ask anyone, or better yet, ask me. I am not that guy."

    Owens then indicated that he would take five questions from reporters, but became angry upon being asked if he thought Jones should have been banned from the NFL for life.

    "I don't want to hear anyone talking bad about Jones," Owens said, his voice breaking as tears streamed down his face. "That's my teammate. That's my cornerback. Mine. Mine. Mine."
    Last edited by JWB; 05-01-2008, 04:32 PM.
    RIP Chris Jones 1971-2009
    You'll never be forgotten.

  • #2
    Far from it for me to make a nice comment towards TO, but to the best of my memory, he (TO) has never had a run-in with law enforcement people. Adam Jones on the other hand has a rap sheet as big as Texas.
    Make America Great For Once.

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    • #3
      "You all know what I think of players who are locker-room distractions, who can't play with the team, who always have to be in the spotlight. I'm warning you—this 'Pac-Man' guy has the reputation of being one of those self-centered types no one can stand."

      How ironic. Do tell us more, TO...

      Is he for real?
      Photobucket

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      • #4
        You guys crack me up

        "Can't buy what I want because it's free...
        Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
        -- Pearl Jam, from the single Corduroy

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        • #5
          Goddamn it, an Onion link...
          Photobucket

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          • #6
            Originally posted by STL JA View Post
            Goddamn it, an Onion link...
            Damn,

            This sounded like something TO would really comment on.


            Make America Great For Once.

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            • #7
              Not surprising that Kev fell for it.

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              • #8
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                • #9
                  that was good.
                  Sometimes elections have positive consequences!

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by 007 View Post
                    You guys crack me up
                    ++
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                    "He'll Finnish You Off"

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                    • #11
                      I wonder how Buzz Bissinger would feel about the journalistic integrity of this "Onion" thing...
                      . . . and to tell you this: I work with gays, have friends who are gay, go to church with gays. Most of them are aware that I believe that homosexual behavior is sin. Some of them actually agree. Most don't. It's OK . . . because they also know or at least have been made aware of my multitude of sins: adulterous heart, lustful and covetous behavior, wicked pride, angry spirit . . . do I need to go on?
                      -mike
                      mike smith, post-dispatch online sports editor

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                      • #12
                        Sorry...

                        I just get excited whenever there is a moment where I can bash TO.
                        Photobucket

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by OldSchoolStroker View Post
                          I wonder how Buzz Bissinger would feel about the journalistic integrity of this "Onion" thing...
                          Sometimes elections have positive consequences!

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