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I Knocked on Some Old Fart's Door Last Night....

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  • I Knocked on Some Old Fart's Door Last Night....

    My mother recently came down with teh cancer and I was trying to make a few extra bucks, so I figured I would go door to door and try to pick up some cash to pay for her operation by mowing yards.


    So, my night started at the hospital, where I helped put some gauze on some burn victims. It was heartwarming, but I spilled rubbing alcohol all over myself....so I am sure I smelled terrible. Anywho, I headed out on the neighborhood.


    I go to the first house.....this man opened the door and immediately I see that I am interrupting a movie he was watching with some overweight lady. It appears to be "Beaches". I immediately apologize for interrupting the film, but just wanted to the opportunity to make his lawn more beautiful for 5 bucks. He puts his head down, then looks up at me....


    I see the tears in his eyes. So, I decide to take a bit of advice from my father (who tragically passed away last year in a steamroller accident). He used to say to me, "Son, nothing cheers a man up more than a high five and a hug." So, I think....this poor guy is struggling through this movie, is stuck married to an overweight lady....he needs a highfive and a hug.


    I say, "high five" and put my hand up. He says, "fuck you"....tears were streaming down his face. I say, "How bout a hug, brother? You look like you need one." He tells me to take my offer to cut his yard for 5 dollars and "shove it up my dick". It was really strange and tragic.


    While this is going on, this overweight lady comes to do the door and starts yelling at him....calling him names like "pussy" and "queer". I believe she was making fun of him for crying at the movie. Then, she slams the door in my face. As I am walking away, I hear the yelling getting louder, then hear physical violence. I hear the man sobbing and the overweight woman physically slapping him and pushing him into the door. I rush back up to the door and start knocking. Nothing. The beating continues. I try to jiggle the doorknob to go in and assist. Again, nothing.


    So, I decide to go back to my group of cancer survivors who were accompanying me on my quest. As I am walking down the stairs, the door flies open and the sobbing man's wife pushes the sobbing man into me, knocking me down the stairs. Then, out of nowhere, this shirtless hoosier, living in the trailer next door puts me in a headlock. I plead with him, "Sir, I am simply trying to make some money to pay for my mothers teh cancer operation...." Instead, he pushes me down and calls the cops.


    As I walked away, I noticed that I was wearing my WWJD shirt. I figured no one needed it more than these 3 individuals, so I tried to give them the shirt off my back. But, instead, they kept yelling.


    I ran straight to church to pray for this abused, sobbing man and his shirtless friend. I felt horrible about the whole situation.


    I just had to get that off my chest.
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  • #2
    Very good my friend - excellent.
    Turning the other cheek is better than burying the other body.

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    • #3
      Lay off the angel dust next time, Birdo.
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      • #4
        Hope your mom gets better
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        • #5
          This is far, far too much creativity for one post. Well done.
          "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
          --Albert Einstein

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          • #6
            How long had your mother dated sportschick?
            If you believe in something sacrifice a hobo to it or don't bother.

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            • #7
              It's like the four Gospels -- four different perspectives of the same events, all true.
              Former 2017 OFFICIAL SPONSOR of Braves' Fill-In Matt Adams,
              Jesus is . . .


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              • #8
                Thoughts and prayers.
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                • #9
                  WINNAR!! Well done Bird dog. I like this account the best.


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                  • #10
                    You nailed it!

                    25MM jobs in 10 years / 4% GDP Growth / Insurance for everybody / Schools flush with cash don't produce results
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                    • #11
                      This is so sad.
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