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How to become an A**HOLE! (Book)

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  • How to become an A**HOLE! (Book)

    BOOKS
    Make Enemies and Alienate People

    A satirical new book serves up a 10-step program on how to be, well … an asshole
    By Brian Braiker | Newsweek Web Exclusive
    Apr 14, 2008 | Updated: 10:35 a.m. ET Apr 14, 2008

    Are you a swell guy, everyone's sunken-chested doormat? Maybe you're a pushover of a gal, a tad overeager to please at the expense of your own tepid desires? Saps of the world, rejoice: Martin Kihn has written the book just for you.

    "I was the nicest guy in the world—and it was killing me," he writes in "A$$hole: How I Got Rich and Happy by Not Giving a Damn About Anyone and How You Can Too," his new mock-help masterpiece. "My life was a dictionary without the word 'no.' If you asked me for a favor—even the kind of favor that required me to go so far out of my way that I needed a map, a translator and an oxygen tank—even if I didn't know you that well, I might hesitate a second, but I'd always say yes."

    Until, that is, he realized that he was competing for a promotion with a colleague he refers to as the Nemesis (a text-book a-word). Kihn resolved to "blowtorch away [his] old personality and uncover the rock-hard warrior within." Toward that end he devised a "10-step program to [anus]ism" for anyone wanting to acquaint himself with his inner über-alpha. Kihn, who has written for Spy, the New York Times Magazine and VH1's beloved "Pop-Up Video," calls his hilarious send-up of business culture "office-based satire." Think Dogbert on steroids, munching garlic bagels in public while closing deals on his Bluetooth ear thingy. Kihn recently discussed his new life as a walking, talking sphincter with NEWSWEEK's Brian Braiker. Excerpts:

    NEWSWEEK: Your book seems to be a hit in the U.K., where it came out first.
    Martin Kihn: It was No. 33 at one point. There's been quite a lot of press.
    Well, there are a lot of them in England.
    [Laughs] I can't figure it out. They really seem to get it. It's doing well in Germany, also. I think there's a slightly anti-American flavor in Europe. Maybe this is helping the situation for me: "He's an [fill in family-unfriendly word that NEWSWEEK generally avoids]; he's American. This makes sense."
    In this book you hire an acting coach and a dog whisperer; you have a nemesis competing for a big client. How much is true?
    I would say everything in there happened. It certainly didn't happen in that order. The biggest challenge was the acting coach. He wasn't one person; multiple people were made into one. Also, I have a thing about reimagining. It's not malicious intent, it's just that I can't remember what people say. I'm trying to make it funny, too.
    But you actively went out into the world and tried to be an, uh, aggressively un-nice person?
    Oh sure, absolutely. It started from a really real place where I was actually very serious in the beginning. I had a performance review and it was implied that I was too nice to ever be in charge. It sort of made me sad, to be honest. So I thought, "Why don't I try this experiment." But the original idea was that this would be a serious book: you have to be an [curse word synonymous with "unbelievable jerk" that begins with the letter A] in America, because it came out of being really bitter and enraged. And then it turned funny. I started doing it, and it became ridiculous.
    What did you do out of character that you wouldn't normally have done?
    It's amazing what you can do in New York and not get much of a reaction, like giving people a dollar to insult me right outside Rockefeller Center. Thinking about it ahead of time was a lot more painful than doing it. I cut in line at a hot dog stand. I threw it down and I demanded my money back. There was somebody I had offended in line. The guy wasn't saying anything, but there was a look about him that made me back down immediately. I did return things without a receipt.


    http://www.newsweek.com/id/131655

  • #2
    I didn't need a book...

    "Can't buy what I want because it's free...
    Can't buy what I want because it's free..."
    -- Pearl Jam, from the single Corduroy

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by 007 View Post
      I didn't need a book...

      Me neither.

      I can be incredibly nice, but I can be a real prick.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Jack Daniels View Post
        Me neither.

        I can be incredibly nice, but I can be a real prick.
        Same here.

        I actually thrive on getting people pissed off.
        Make America Great For Once.

        Comment


        • #5
          I need to learn how to be a better asshole. Count me in!










          (amazingly, I didn't learn enough about it here!)

          Comment


          • #6
            Here's one for Glovey, a belated birthday gift, perhaps?





            http://www.amazon.com/Laid-Guide-Pic..._img_3_rlrsrs0

            Comment


            • #7
              Whoa! This guy returned things WITHOUT A RECEIPT! What an asshole.
              If you believe in something sacrifice a hobo to it or don't bother.

              Comment


              • #8
                Little known fact: Celtic's ghost name is Brian Braiker.
                Official sponsor of Mike Shannon's Retirement Party

                Comment


                • #9
                  I should've read this book before I agreed to mow the old mans' yard across the street today.

                  I mean, who cares that his 94 yr old mother-in-law is laid up in the hospital with a fractured or broken pelvis and his lawn mower is in the shop?
                  “I’ve always stated, ‘I’m a Missouri Tiger,’” Anderson said March 13 after Arkansas fired John Pelphrey, adding, “I’m excited about what’s taking place here.”

                  Asked then if he would talk to his players about the situation, he said, “They know me, and that’s where the trust comes in.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by ElviswasaBluesFan View Post
                    Little known fact: Celtic's ghost name is Brian Braiker.
                    I was going to ask if the book included recommmendations on computer repair.

                    jj twiggs - A great family restaurant

                    Dear God, KBF here. I'd just like to say thanks, once again, for allowing Dusty Baker and I to live during the same time period. Every time I think he's given me his last gift -- overpitching Prior in the playoffs, getting cocky in Game 6 vs. the Angels, blowing another game for the Cubs -- he does something stupid like pitching to Albert Pujols. Thy will be done, baby!!!!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      CAUTION: Reading this book will get your thrown in a dryer.
                      Official Lounge Sponsor of Candy.


                      "When you say 'radical right' today, I think of these moneymaking ventures by fellows like Pat Robertson and others who are trying to take the Republican Party and make a religious organization out of it. If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye."
                      -Barry Goldwater

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        MarkD is rich. Super rich!
                        And happy.

                        I don't think he needs to read this book.
                        Former 2017 OFFICIAL SPONSOR of Braves' Fill-In Matt Adams,
                        Jesus is . . .


                        Comment


                        • #13
                          MarkD is such an asshole - I'll bet he tries to return items without the receipt or the item.
                          If you believe in something sacrifice a hobo to it or don't bother.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            MarkD is such an asshole....I'll bet he flies his helicopter over card games.
                            Official Lounge Sponsor of Candy.


                            "When you say 'radical right' today, I think of these moneymaking ventures by fellows like Pat Robertson and others who are trying to take the Republican Party and make a religious organization out of it. If that ever happens, kiss politics goodbye."
                            -Barry Goldwater

                            Comment

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