Irish humor - Happy St. Pat's Day!

[Nsane2Bme]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to O'Leary the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said O'Leary, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said O'Leary, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

[Ty Shula]

The Irish -- the only people who could starve to death surrounded by an ocean.

[Nsane2Bme]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

[TripMcNeely]

I'm glad you're Irish, because my dick is Dublin.

[hansolo]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting one day discussing who had the superior culture...
The Greek guy says "we built the Parthenon"
The Irishman replies "we discovered the summer and winter solstices"
The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
And the Irishman countered with "but we built the first timepieces and calendars"
The Greek is getting fed up and figures he'll end the conversation....
With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"
The Irishman replies, "Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women."

[Jaws]

Walking into the bar, Mike said to O'Leary the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said O'Leary, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said O'Leary, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

I like that one.

BTW, I watched Celtic Thunder on PBS last night. This is five male singers aged 14 to 39. Very good. All of them had outstanding voices. If you get a chance, check it out.

[Nsane2Bme]

Jimmy-Joe acquired an injury whilst tap dancing. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up : "You're making' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose."
"I'm sorry sir, I..."
"Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

"Hey," said a new arrival in the pub, "I've got some great Irish jokes."
"Before you start," said the big bloke in the corner, ", I'm Irish."
"Don't worry," said the newcomer, "I'll tell them slowly."

Q. Did you hear about the leprechaun who went to jail?
A. He was a leprecon!

[Nsane2Bme]

What's Irish and stays out all night? "Paddy O' Furniture"

Why don't Irish women use vibrators? They chip their teeth.

Did you hear about the Irish pilot who crashed his helicopter? He got cold so he turned off the fan.

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They each buy a pint of Guiness beer. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"

Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card, in case someone loses them.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk.

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "...Where ya callin' from?"

Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Paddy asked. "Well didn't ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise The Almighty!" Paddy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled,"Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi--Damn! There goes another one!"

An Irishman went to the doctor and was asked to give a urine sample. The Irishman asked, "What's a urine sample?" The doctor replied, "Go piss in a bottle." The Irishman retorted, "Go shit in yer hat" And the fight was on.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell badly. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade.

Did you hear about the Irish water polo team? All their horses drowned.

What be black and blue and found floatin' in da Irish sea? A gobshite who tells an Irish Joke.

[BlueBrained]

Happy St. Pat's everyone!!!

Slainte!!!

[Jonas]

[TTB]

I met my wife on St Patrick's Day at Maggie O'briens.

Right by the dumpster. Very romantic.

[Bleacher Creature]

My oldest son was born on this day in 1979. RAF Lakenheath England.

[AWSmith98]

Q. Why was alchohol invented?
A. So the Irish wouldn't take over the world

[Glovey]

My oldest son was born on this day in 1979. RAF Lakenheath England.

Leave it to a black person to give a name like that to his son.

[Prngr44]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar on orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."