Saturday Night Joke Off

[Burrito Brother]

So a guy is in a bar. He spots a fairly attractive lady and makes his way over to her and says "Hello, I don't live very far from here, how about you and I heading over to my place for a little action?" She agrees and he says that he likes to get a little kinky and she says great.

So they go back to his place and have sex in the most conventional of ways. When they finish she says, "That was great, but I thought you wanted to get kinky." He says, "Oh right, I shit in your purse."

[ksbluesfan]

Two elderly women are sitting in the lobby of their retirement home when an elderly gentleman walks by. The women whisper, then giggle. The man asks "what's so funny"? They reply that they can guess the age of the man by looking as his penis. The old man says "ah, bullshit". "Let us prove it" say the ladies. So the old man pulls down his pants and whips out his love gun. The ladies look at his dick, look at each other, then reply "91" in unison. The old man is amazed. "How in the hell did you do that?" "Easy", reply the women, "we were at your 91st birthday party yesterday".

[davhaf]

A drunk comes out of the bathroom at a party and says to the host, "Is your toilet paper green and say "fuck you"? The host says "No, why?" Drunk replies "Oh, I must have wiped my ass with your parrot."

[jack jones]

Guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says "make me a rubber band sandwich and make it snappy".

[jack jones]

Guy sits down at a conference in Pittsburgh, flustered, and expresses his angainst to a nearby participant about an earlier and iunfortunate slip of teh tounge-

"I was approached the well-built ticket officer I was really tounge tied and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I mistakinly asked ror a picket to tits burgh."

The unwitting conventionaire replied "I understand completely-as I was enjoying breakfast this morning I intended to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes but instead said "you ruined my life you fucking bitch.

[MsFunkay]

there once was a guy who wanted a pet and wandered into a pet store. he looked around at the dogs, cats, and finally came upon a parrot that only cost $10 with the cage. the man was bewildered and said to himself "only $10? i wonder why its so cheap". to the man's shock the parrot replied "that's because no one wants me". the man then questioned the bird, "but you speak wonderfully, how could do one want you?". the parrot got a bit quiet and looked down sheepishly, "well, you see i was in a bad accident and lost my legs". "what?!" questioned the man, "then how can you sit on that perch?!" Again the parrot gets a bit quiet and says "you see, i have my dick wrapped around it to keep me steady, i'm balancing". After a few minutes conversing with the parrot the man had already forgotten about his new friend's handicap, purchased the bird and took it home.

things went quite well as the man and bird had plenty in common and talked often. but one day when the man came home from work the parrot started off by saying "friend, i have some horrible news, your wife is cheating on you!". "WHAT?!" cried the man, "what do you mean, how do you know??". That's when the bird told the story "Around noon the doorbell rang and it was the postman. Your wife opened the door in some sexy new black lacy lingerie. The man gave your wife the mail, she turned around to take it to the kitchen but dropped some and slowly bent over showing the mailman she had no panties on. He slammed the door behind him, started to undo his pants walked over to your wife bending her over your leather couch..." and then the bird just quit. "AND?! AND?!" screamed the man frantically asking what was next. "Well, i got hard and fell over".

[Can Of Corn]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[ElviswasaBluesFan]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Glovey]

Where does a sick boat go?

































Straight to the dock.

[cardinalgirl]

Guy sits down at a conference in Pittsburgh, flustered, and expresses his angainst to a nearby participant about an earlier and iunfortunate slip of teh tounge-

"I was approached the well-built ticket officer I was really tounge tied and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I mistakinly asked ror a picket to tits burgh."

The unwitting conventionaire replied "I understand completely-as I was enjoying breakfast this morning I intended to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes but instead said "you ruined my life you fucking bitch.

I've heard that joke.

[cardinalgirl]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

see now I always heard it told the kerrigan way.

[Glovey]

Guy sits down at a conference in Pittsburgh, flustered, and expresses his angainst to a nearby participant about an earlier and iunfortunate slip of teh tounge-

"I was approached the well-built ticket officer I was really tounge tied and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I mistakinly asked ror a picket to tits burgh."

The unwitting conventionaire replied "I understand completely-as I was enjoying breakfast this morning I intended to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes but instead said "you ruined my life you fucking bitch.

This would be a lot better without the numerous spelling/grammatical mistakes.

[cardinalgirl]

jokes break the boundaries of spelling etc. so long as they are understood. And I think they were understood.

[jhuegy]

My dad told me this one yesterday. Btw, he's gonna be 80 next month.

What do you call a cow with no legs?


















Ground beef.

[jack jones]

This would be a lot better without the numerous spelling/grammatical mistakes.

That's funny. I fell asleep at my desk before I ran spell check. I'm surprised I managed to post it. Here it is, corrected, for you sensitive guy:

Guy sits down at a conference in Pittsburgh, flustered, and expresses his agnst to a nearby participant about an earlier and unfortunate slip of the tongue-

"When I approached the well-built ticket officer I was really tongue tied and instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I mistakingly asked for a picket to tits burgh."

The unwitting conventioneer replied "I understand completely-as I was enjoying breakfast this morning I intended to ask my wife to pass the corn flakes but instead said "you ruined my life you fucking bitch".

It's my favorite joke.