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  • Calvacade of Whimsey time again

    Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
    a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances

    By Pete Fiutak

    If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … the officials from the Vanderbilt – Florida game flagged me for excessive celebration preventing me from having the option of coming up with some better items.

    And Fisher DeBerry, after losing to Army, groused about how he needed to recruit more Black Knights … There’d be more controversy about Joe Paterno’s comments about how blacks changed the speed and tempo of the game, but he thought the discussion was about shoes.

    There’s no truth to the rumor that the New England Patriots are thinking of using a seventh round draft pick on the dummy … It’s a real shame that all the pressure and weight of being the nation’s number one team has gotten to Pete Carroll and the USC program. Yeesh. Didn’t Carroll get the memo that superstar coaches are supposed to be angry dictators whose idea of fun is to worry about next week’s opponent?

    Yes, it was funny. It was a Halloween prank; get over it.

    Getting Carmen Electra would be far more impressive then winning some silly national titles … This USC team really is the reincarnation of the Chicago Bulls of the late 1990s. Matt Leinart is Michael Jordan, Reggie Bush is Scottie Pippen, LenDale White is Steve Kerr, Shelley Smith is Ahmad Rashad, and Pete Carroll, who you’d think would be Phil Jackson, is actually Dennis Rodman. Norm Chow was the more like the Zen Master.

    But to get the extension, you also have to get a flat top … Notre Dame head coach head coach got a ten-year extension on his contract worth close to $40 million after going 5-2, at the time, and based on the speculation of bigger things to come. Carroll wasn’t just smiling last week over his Halloween prank. What does two, possibly three, national titles get you?

    If a voter votes in a poll, and no one reads it, does it exist … Talk about flying under the radar, is the Harris Poll still in existence? It’s offering absolutely nothing when it comes to new ideas or radical points of view outside of the wacky misfires here and there.

    And on some message board, the phrase “Jeff Sluman got screwed” will be written … Starting in 2007, the PGA Tour will have a playoff to determine a champion. Golf. Freakin’ golf. No BCS, no whining over computers, no Harris poll, just a playoff.

    Does the fawning adoration of coeds count? … The NCAA has banned Oregon from providing XBox and video games to its players in the locker room because it provides “excessive entertainment." Because getting to play college football, getting to travel, getting all sorts of free gear, and getting the special tutoring help is right in line with how the normal college student lives. Playing XBox is the most normal student-thing that college football players do.

    There’s no truth to the rumor … that Miami RB Tyrone Moss, while on the sidelines after his injury against Virginia Tech, was asked to take off the huge diamond cross around his neck after it was blinding pilots flying over the stadium.

    Now I’m demanding presents from Santa Claus, a basket from the Easter Bunny, and back pay from the Tooth Fairy … If your day wasn’t made by the story of the two Carolina Panther cheerleaders who were arrested for getting into a bar fight with another woman after being caught having sex in a bathroom stall, then I can’t help you.

    And if lesbian, catfighting cheerleaders really do exist … Then I still might be right in my belief that UCLA is still going to come up with another fourth quarter comeback and beat Arizona.

    But the rule stays in effect when Chad Greenway or A.J. Hawk is coming … It’s fine for the NFL, but college football has to ditch the quarterback slide rule. Since so many quarterbacks run in the college game, the rule should be reversed. If a quarterback wusses out and goes into a slide, he can be tagged even though he’s down.

    Would Arkansas and Nebraska consider a Houston Nutt for Bill Callahan trade?

    Too … many … lines … head … hurting … must … resist … Please amuse yourself by creating your own caption, like the New Yorker does in its cartoon contest, for the South Carolina-Arkansas headline. “Nutt says Dick to replace Johnson against the 'Cocks."

    Actually, he looks like Terrell Owens … I wasted a solid 43 minutes of this weekend taxing my brain trying to figure out who Notre Dame WR Jeff Samardzija looks like. The best I could come up with is a combination of Rush bass player Geddy Lee and my cousin-in-law, Sherri. This is going to bother me all season long.

    Annoying cliché of the week … “They play the game like it’s supposed to be played.” What, with no helmets and advancing the ball by kicking it forward?

    And picture yourself not turning the ball over, and over, and over, and over … Goofy school promo tag line of the week from Virginia Tech: “Winning … it’s all in the mind.” There’s you go Hokie fans. Just imagine Virginia Tech beating Miami, and it’s done. Maybe the BCS will recognize your thoughts.

    Go ahead and light another candle. The BCS money will pay for it … Goofy school promo of the week part two, this time from Notre Dame. Apparently, it's easy to get into the school. Go to church, light a candle, pray, and you're in.

    C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
    The ten ways the world has disappointed me this week by already putting USC and Texas in the Rose Bowl …

    Not only do I think USC and Texas are the top two college football teams in America, if you hooked me up to a polygraph test, I’d probably put Alabama about tenth in my personal ranking of the best teams. I’m picking LSU to beat the Tide this weekend, and I wouldn’t be shocked if Auburn won the Iron Bowl. However, Bama is still one of the three unbeaten teams in America, and it’s being treated like a third place Sun Belt squad when it comes the national title discussion.

    Has anyone really thought about Alabama in the discussion of the top two? Here are ten reasons why maybe USC and Texas might not be the rock-solid 1-2 everyone is thinking they are.

    10. The 2003 Oklahoma Sooners
    Remember how eventual Heisman winner Jason White and the rest of the 2003 Sooners were supposed to be unbeatable? Remember the smattering of “best team ever” articles floating around after they started out 12-0 outscoring teams by an average of 48-13? And then came the Big 12 title game loss to Kansas State and the Sugar Bowl loss to LSU. Maybe, just maybe, all the big numbers USC and Texas are throwing around are just smoke and mirrors. Maybe, just maybe …

    9. … as the Human League would say, we’re only human, born to make mistakes.
    But so are the computers. Only one of the six computer polls has Bama higher than fifth. On November 10th, 2003, all the BCS computers, and both human polls, had Oklahoma No. 1. OU’s score was 1.68, LSU was fourth at 13.17, and Kansas State wasn’t in the top 25. Last year at this time, OU was number one in four of the six computer polls. Three of the computers had Cal number three, well ahead of Auburn.

    8. The 2002 Ohio State Buckeyes
    See if this sounds familiar. An unbeaten mega-program isn’t getting much respect because the offense is mediocre, but the team keeps winning because of a clutch field goal kicker and a killer defense. Meanwhile, the defending national champion is seen as unbeatable by many and is rolling towards the national title game. Didn’t the 2003 Fiesta Bowl prove everyone wrong (except for me, who picked the Buckeyes to beat Miami)?

    7. The best defense USC has faced is …
    Um, uhhhhh, Oregon? The Ducks are 48th in the nation in total defense. Hawaii is 100th, Arkansas is 57th, Arizona State is 107th, Arizona is 81st, Notre Dame is 86th, Washington is 92nd, and Stanford is 103rd. The best defense USC will face is Fresno State’s (21st), and the Bulldog D has faced no one outside of Oregon. Yeah, USC contributed to the bad defensive stats, but the team hasn’t faced any D of substance. At least not one like Alabama's.

    6. How do you contain Vince Young?
    Linebackers. Speedy, talented linebackers. Bama’s trio of Juwan Simpson, Freddie Roach and DeMeco Ryans have helped lead the defense to the nation’s number seven run defense. Young ran for 76 yards against Ohio State’s great linebackers, but outside of a few good runs, was kept from going wild. He wouldn't have a Rose Bowl-like game against the Tide D.

    5. The Bama offense isn’t that bad
    It’s not a great attack, but it can move the ball when it absolutely has to. It’s averaging 379 yards per game with a decent balance, but it’s missing the explosion it had when Tyrone Prothro was healthy. It doesn’t turn the ball over that much reyling on the nation’s number one scoring defense to win games. It wouldn’t be able to keep pace in a shootout with USC or Texas, but it could keep the chains moving. Part of the problem has been …

    4. … Bama has played against some great defenses.
    MTSU is 22nd in the nation in total D, South Carolina is 39th, Florida is 10th, Ole Miss is 26th, Tennessee is 17th and Mississippi State is 40th. Against the lousy defenses, at least the ones comparable to the ones USC has faced, Bama has averaged 30 points per game.

    3. A veteran quarterback
    Brodie Croyle threw two interceptions against Mississippi State, but he has been steady all year long with a six-game stretch with no interceptions and nine touchdown passes. The senior has been around long enough to not be fazed by the big games, or the Texas or USC defenses.

    2. It’s still Mack Brown, and it’s still a really, really big game
    Winning the Rose Bowl against Michigan was impressive, but the 2004 Texas season still had the black mark of the loss to Oklahoma. Texas beat the Sooners this year and came up with a really, really big win over Ohio State, but with the history of the world, or at least an unbeaten season, on the line, do you really want to put your trust in Brown? There are more than a few Longhorn fans who deep down, in places they don’t talk about at parties, are wondering when the 2003 Holiday Bowl-like shoe is going to drop.

    1. The 1992 Alabama Crimson Tide
    After the first week of November in 1992, Washington was No. 1, Miami No. 2, and Alabama No. 3 with unbeaten Michigan and Texas A&M teams pushing for the third spot. One Husky loss to Arizona later, and Alabama moved up to two. That team had an efficient, but not flashy quarter in Jay Barker, a solid ground game, and a killer defense. Miami was supposed to be unbeatable with Heisman winner Gino Torretta leading the defending national champion Hurricanes. Before the 34-13 win over Miami in the Sugar Bowl, no one thought that Tide team could get the job done. The same is being said about the 2005 version.

    C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
    1) Overrated: The human polls ... Underrated: The human fund
    2) Overrated: Winning impressively … Underrated: A blow out
    3) Overrated: Good coaching … Underrated: Good players
    4) Overrated: Terrell Owens wanting a new contract ... Underrated: Javon Walker’s injury
    5) Overrated: Stay out later... Underrated: Smell great longer

    Sheer hubris run amok, week five … The three lines this week that appear to be a tad strange (7-6 so far) 1) Kentucky +13 vs. Vanderbilt, 2) Tulane +2 vs. Rice, 3) Buffalo +8 vs. Kent State

    Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … even though I have a national title, took my team to the SEC title game last year, and beat LSU at LSU this season, I'm still on a hot seat.
    June 9, 1973 - The day athletic perfection was defined.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-Kva...eature=related

  • #2
    QUOTE
    And if lesbian, catfighting cheerleaders really do exist … Then I still might be right in my belief that UCLA is still going to come up with another fourth quarter comeback and beat Arizona.[/b][/quote]
    [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

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    • #3
      QUOTE
      Too … many … lines … head … hurting … must … resist … Please amuse yourself by creating your own caption, like the New Yorker does in its cartoon contest, for the South Carolina-Arkansas headline. “Nutt says Dick to replace Johnson against the 'Cocks."
      [/b][/quote]

      [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]
      Sketch in STL
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