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  • Some New Rules

    I'm guessing the author is Bill Maher, but these are funny nonetheless...

    New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

    New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

    New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

    New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they’re pictures of men.

    New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge azzhole.

    New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

    New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called “The Howard Stern Show."

    New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

    New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place: The idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

    New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
    __________________

  • #2
    I like them -

    But I have definately read the bathroom one before so I might be in.
    Turning the other cheek is better than burying the other body.

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    • #3
      [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

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      • #4
        QUOTE(Easy Ed @ Nov 5 2005, 06:20 AM) Quoted post

        I'm guessing the author is Bill Maher, but these are funny nonetheless...


        New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.


        __________________
        [/b][/quote]


        100% in agreement. However, would we feel the same if the shoes on the other foot, and it's our daughter we're talking about?

        Not trying to start an arguement, but fair is fair.
        Make America Great For Once.

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        • #5
          QUOTE
          New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.[/b][/quote]

          Couldn't be more wrong.

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          • #6
            How this moron ever became famous is one of the great mysteries of our age.

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            • #7
              QUOTE(GloveSaveandaBeauty @ Nov 5 2005, 11:51 AM) Quoted post

              QUOTE
              New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.[/b][/quote]

              Couldn't be more wrong.
              [/b][/quote]


              ++

              That's the one I raised an eyebrow over....

              Pun intended. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

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              • #8
                good stuff, sounds a bit like Carlin
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                • #9
                  I'm not a big fan of Mahrer's poltics but he is pretty funny.

                  Funny shit Ed!
                  Go Cards ...12 in 13.


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                  • #10
                    QUOTE(TTB @ Nov 5 2005, 12:56 PM) Quoted post

                    I'm not a big fan of Mahrer's poltics but he is pretty funny.

                    Funny shit Ed!
                    [/b][/quote]

                    Me either, TTB.

                    Here's a few more....

                    New Rule: Jennifer Aniston must start dating Osama bin Laden. Our government has spent four years and billions of dollars trying to find him. If we put the job in the hands of the real professionals, the paparazzi, "Osamifer" would be on the next cover of US Weekly.

                    New Rule: I don't need a reminder at the bottom of the TV screen to tell me "You're watching 'Lost.'" Somehow, we got through the first 50 years of television knowing what show we were watching by looking at it! If Lucy is on, it's "Lucy." If it's some guys playing football, it's probably football. Here's how I know I'm watching "Lost." I'm bored.

                    New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another "Rocky" movie unless it's called, "Rocky Dies." Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day quoting "The Terminator." Okay, bad example.

                    New Rule: Let Vikings be Vikings. Yes, there's outrage that some Minnesota Vikings may have gone on a party cruise and then...partied. Excuse me, but what's the point of getting your ribs crushed every week if you can't occasionally get blown on a boat? Besides, these are the Minnesota Vikings. They can't always be the ones doing the sucking.

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                    • #11
                      QUOTE(Easy Ed @ Nov 5 2005, 06:20 AM) Quoted post
                      New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.[/b][/quote]

                      Amen!
                      RIP Chris Jones 1971-2009
                      You'll never be forgotten.

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                      • #12
                        QUOTE(Easy Ed @ Nov 5 2005, 11:59 AM) Quoted post

                        QUOTE(TTB @ Nov 5 2005, 12:56 PM) Quoted post

                        I'm not a big fan of Mahrer's poltics but he is pretty funny.

                        Funny shit Ed!
                        [/b][/quote]

                        New Rule: Jennifer Aniston must start dating Osama bin Laden. Our government has spent four years and billions of dollars trying to find him. If we put the job in the hands of the real professionals, the paparazzi, "Osamifer" would be on the next cover of US Weekly.

                        [/b][/quote]

                        Now that's just fucking genius!

                        [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
                        Go Cards ...12 in 13.


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                        • #13
                          QUOTE
                          New Rule: Let Vikings be Vikings. Yes, there's outrage that some Minnesota Vikings may have gone on a party cruise and then...partied. Excuse me, but what's the point of getting your ribs crushed every week if you can't occasionally get blown on a boat? Besides, these are the Minnesota Vikings. They can't always be the ones doing the sucking.[/b][/quote]
                          [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

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                          • #14
                            QUOTE(JWB @ Nov 5 2005, 12:02 PM) Quoted post

                            QUOTE(Easy Ed @ Nov 5 2005, 06:20 AM) Quoted post
                            New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.[/b][/quote]

                            Amen!
                            [/b][/quote]

                            My 19-month old is pissed about this one...
                            [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img]
                            I leave for two days...

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                            • #15
                              QUOTE(mmitchell19 @ Nov 5 2005, 12:21 PM) Quoted post

                              QUOTE(JWB @ Nov 5 2005, 12:02 PM) Quoted post

                              QUOTE(Easy Ed @ Nov 5 2005, 06:20 AM) Quoted post
                              New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.[/b][/quote]

                              Amen!
                              [/b][/quote]

                              My 19-month old is pissed about this one...
                              [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img]
                              [/b][/quote]

                              [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]
                              RIP Chris Jones 1971-2009
                              You'll never be forgotten.

                              Comment

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