Tweet
In the original article, there's a picture of Michael Vick everywhere he says obligatory cut to Vick. The picture didn't copy to the version below:
Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By Pete Fiutak
If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … it simply can’t compete with other columns since the black athlete, statistically, from column to column, seems to have an edge as far as speed is concerned.
”You tryin’ to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball?” … If Air Force head coach Fisher DeBerry is “a member of Team Jesus Christ,” and he thinks his team needs more “Afro-American” players, then is he saying Christians a) can’t run, b) needs to recruit more blacks, or c) can only play for Hal Mumme?
In case you missed it over the course of this last NFL Sunday, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
” No, Bob Goulet - that's not talented! You got talent! You got a Dionne Warwick/Falana kind of thing going.” … Do white guys from South Africa get included on DeBerry's "Afro-American" list?
Either that or it’s Gilbert Gottfried … A basket of mini-muffins goes out to Verne Lundquist for this one during the Georgia-Florida game. “If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, and quacks, it’s a fullback.”
Since ESPN feels it’s important to let you know Michael Vick is in attendance by cutting to him every 14 seconds during Virginia Tech games, I’m hoping his presence will have the same positive effect on the column.
Oh yeah, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
If it hangs with Snoop and raps with Snoop, and quacks, it’s a fullback … Note to Pete Carroll about the presence of Snoop Dogg on the sidelines of the Washington State-USC game with a LenDale White jersey on: Considering Snoop’s legendary proclivity to indulge in funny cigarettes, along with his newfound Friend of the Program status, I’d keep a very, very close eye on this growing alliance. Think the NCAA might start snooping around this situation? Fa shizzle.
The second hand Snoop smoke alone could account for … White’s statement that “you can’t spell BCS without USC.”
Cut that meat, cut that meat … There’s no truth to the rumor that AFC South general managers are offering Steve Spurrier whatever he wants to be their head coach. Peyton Manning was 0-4 against Mr. Visor in Florida-Tennessee matchups, 0-1 to Spurrier in the NFL with a 26-21 to the Redskins in 2002 , and now Manning doomed Tennessee’s chances against South Carolina from the start by showing up to a jersey retiring ceremony before the 16-15 Gamecock win.
By the way, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat the course … In his first season, Charlie Weis has beaten Michigan and lost to a powerhouse USC team. In other words, he’s 2002 Ty Willingham. Weis gets a guaran-dang-teed $30-40 million over the next ten years, while Willingham got booted out after three seasons. Race didn't play a part in Willingham’s firing in any way, shape or form, but if Weis doesn’t make Notre Dame a national title contender by the end of 2007, be prepared $30-40 million worth of complaining from several interested parties.
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
This week’s college football drinking game … The Laurence Maroney dred flip. Take a chug of beer every time there’s a shot of the Minnesota star running back on the sidelines doing his About Last Night hair flip with a giggle.
For those of you just tuning in, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
And more points taken away for every Michael Vick sideline reaction … There has to be room in at least one of the computer formulas to punish Virginia Tech for the awful uniforms worn in the win over Boston College.
Does the network still show sporting events? … In the sour grapes section of the market, Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville blasted ESPN, and ABC, for wanting a USC-Texas national title game this year to the point of conspiring to pump up the two teams to create the buzz. While there’s no conspiracy, Tuberville is dead-on right that ESPN has so much influence that by highlighting the nation's top two teams, it's cementing in everyone's minds that there's not all that much debate in the Rose Bowl hunt. Since poll voters don’t have time to follow college football closely enough to make an informed decision, most of them just go by the highlights. Therefore, the SportsCenter highlight editors are some of the most influential people in college football. In an attempt to inform the unwashed masses, I attempt to kick some knowledge in this week’s …
C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
The ten ways the world has disappointed me this week by already handing Reggie Bush the Heisman …
Yes, USC RB Reggie Bush is sure top five draft pick and an unbelievable talent, but the Heisman is supposed to go to the best player in a given season, not the best pro prospect. There’s no beef about Bush being a worthy candidate, and there won't be any complaints from me if he wins it. After all, he leads the nation in all-purpose rushing yards. My problem is how so many in the media appear to have voted already without doing much research. If you know all the facts and still think Bush is the nation's top player this year, fine. Just don't get lazy, and consider all the other factors.
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
10. ESPN’s highlights
With the possible exception of Vince Young, Bush is the nation’s most exciting player and a highlight waiting to happen. However, in a 45 second highlight package of USC games, ESPN will show one great Bush play, and the voter, who didn’t see the entire game, will have his preconceived notion solidified. For example, in USC’s 51-24 win over Washington, Matt Leinart was brilliant, Dwayne Jarrett was unbelievable with three touchdown catches, including a one-handed jaw-dropper, but the boo-yas saved the most praise for Bush’s spectacular punt return for a touchdown. Even though Bush only gained 51 yards and a score, his punt return is what everyone remembers.
9. The Notre Dame game
Bush was brilliant against the Irish rushing for 160 yards and three touchdowns while catching four passes for 35 more. Unfortunately for other Heisman candidates, everyone watched that game, and for most of the voters, that’s the only time they’ll see Bush play. Bush certainly hasn't been bad over the rest of the season, but he hasn't done that.
8. Brian Calhoun
The Badger back has handled the ball a whopping 254 times so far. Take him out of the Wisconsin offense, and the Badgers are likely fighting for a winning season instead of a Big Ten title. He leads the nation with 126 points with 19 rushing scores and two touchdown catches and while he might not be as explosive as Bush, he’s more of a workhorse and is having the better season.
7. All of the other great Pac 10 backs
You’d be wrong, but you could make a case that Bush doesn’t necessarily deserve to be First Team All-Pac 10. Washington State’s Jerome Harrison leads the league in rushing and is second in the nation averaging 164 yards per game with 12 rushing touchdowns. Without the supporting cast around him that Bush has, Harrison has still rushed for 113 yards or more in every game this year, and has a string of 11-straight 100-yard games going back to last year. More on the Pac 10 in a moment. There’s also …
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
6. LenDale White
Bush doesn’t have to be overworked. White has led the team in rushing four times so far and has 853 yards and 13 touchdowns. As UCLA’s star linebacker Spencer Havner told me, “Bush won’t run inside, and he doesn’t have to with White. By far, I'd much rather have …”
5. Maurice Drew
The UCLA runner doesn’t have Bush’s rushing stats gaining 687 yards to 909, but he leads the nation in punt returns with 407 to Bush’s 156, and has 360 receiving yards to Bush’s 284. He also has a nose for the end zone with 19 touchdowns on the year. In fourth quarter crunch time, there hasn't been a better back in the country this season.
4. Vince Young
USC can win without Bush, but Texas isn’t in the national title hunt without VY. Not only has the Longhorn star rushed for 725 yards and eight touchdowns, but he has improved his passing completing 63% of his throws for 1,835 yards and 16 touchdowns. He threw for 1,849 yards and 12 scores last year.
3. MVP
If you’re voting for the Heisman based on who the Most Valuable Player is, Bush is up there, but not ahead of Young, Calhoun, and possibly, Virginia Tech’s Marcus Vick.
2. Anti-two time factor
Heisman voters are weird. They hate voting for anyone but a quarterback or running back, and you can forget about getting the prize if you’re a freshman or sophomore. To give the award to Matt Leinart is to anoint college football immortality, which voters aren’t going to be too excited about doing. Voters like to spread the honor around, and there are many who believe Bush has been every bit as important to the three-year run as Leinart. Even so, the best player in college football so far this year, if it isn’t Vince Young, is …
1. Matt Leinart
He’s on pace to throw for more yards than 2004 averaging 314 per game, but that doesn’t generate the “wow” factor like Bush and Young provide. However, don’t forget that Leinart doesn’t have Norm Chow this year to rely on, and he's handling the pressure of the media hype and expectations like a ten-year NFL veteran. USC might not have beaten Notre Dame without Bush, but it really wouldn’t have won without Leinart throwing one of the three most significant passes in the last 20 years (if USC goes on to win the national title) with the fourth down audible and throw to Dwayne Jarrett to keep the final drive alive (to go along with Craig Krenzel’s fourth down touchdown pass to beat Purdue 10-6 in Ohio State’s 2002 national title season, and Steve Walsh’s strike to Michael Irvin Miami’s 26-25 win over Florida State in 1987).
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: Luther Campbell... Underrated: Snoop Dogg
2) Overrated: Hunting for al Qaeda … Underrated: Chasing down Al Pena
3) Overrated: Dennis Franchione … Underrated: 8-0 and ranked fourth in the BCS
4) Overrated: Reporting your own violations ... Underrated: Illinois getting his with double secret probation
5) Overrated: Struggling for three quarters ... Underrated: “Coug it”
Sheer hubris run amok, week four … The three lines this week that appear to be a tad strange (7-2 over the first three weeks)
1) Tennessee +8 at Notre Dame, 2) Cal +1 over Oregon, 3) Arkansas State +6 at MTSU
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … you can't spell "column sucks" without USC.
Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
By Pete Fiutak
If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … it simply can’t compete with other columns since the black athlete, statistically, from column to column, seems to have an edge as far as speed is concerned.
”You tryin’ to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball?” … If Air Force head coach Fisher DeBerry is “a member of Team Jesus Christ,” and he thinks his team needs more “Afro-American” players, then is he saying Christians a) can’t run, b) needs to recruit more blacks, or c) can only play for Hal Mumme?
In case you missed it over the course of this last NFL Sunday, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
” No, Bob Goulet - that's not talented! You got talent! You got a Dionne Warwick/Falana kind of thing going.” … Do white guys from South Africa get included on DeBerry's "Afro-American" list?
Either that or it’s Gilbert Gottfried … A basket of mini-muffins goes out to Verne Lundquist for this one during the Georgia-Florida game. “If it looks like a duck and talks like a duck, and quacks, it’s a fullback.”
Since ESPN feels it’s important to let you know Michael Vick is in attendance by cutting to him every 14 seconds during Virginia Tech games, I’m hoping his presence will have the same positive effect on the column.
Oh yeah, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
If it hangs with Snoop and raps with Snoop, and quacks, it’s a fullback … Note to Pete Carroll about the presence of Snoop Dogg on the sidelines of the Washington State-USC game with a LenDale White jersey on: Considering Snoop’s legendary proclivity to indulge in funny cigarettes, along with his newfound Friend of the Program status, I’d keep a very, very close eye on this growing alliance. Think the NCAA might start snooping around this situation? Fa shizzle.
The second hand Snoop smoke alone could account for … White’s statement that “you can’t spell BCS without USC.”
Cut that meat, cut that meat … There’s no truth to the rumor that AFC South general managers are offering Steve Spurrier whatever he wants to be their head coach. Peyton Manning was 0-4 against Mr. Visor in Florida-Tennessee matchups, 0-1 to Spurrier in the NFL with a 26-21 to the Redskins in 2002 , and now Manning doomed Tennessee’s chances against South Carolina from the start by showing up to a jersey retiring ceremony before the 16-15 Gamecock win.
By the way, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat the course … In his first season, Charlie Weis has beaten Michigan and lost to a powerhouse USC team. In other words, he’s 2002 Ty Willingham. Weis gets a guaran-dang-teed $30-40 million over the next ten years, while Willingham got booted out after three seasons. Race didn't play a part in Willingham’s firing in any way, shape or form, but if Weis doesn’t make Notre Dame a national title contender by the end of 2007, be prepared $30-40 million worth of complaining from several interested parties.
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
This week’s college football drinking game … The Laurence Maroney dred flip. Take a chug of beer every time there’s a shot of the Minnesota star running back on the sidelines doing his About Last Night hair flip with a giggle.
For those of you just tuning in, Wellington Mara died and Tedy Bruschi is playing again.
And more points taken away for every Michael Vick sideline reaction … There has to be room in at least one of the computer formulas to punish Virginia Tech for the awful uniforms worn in the win over Boston College.
Does the network still show sporting events? … In the sour grapes section of the market, Auburn head coach Tommy Tuberville blasted ESPN, and ABC, for wanting a USC-Texas national title game this year to the point of conspiring to pump up the two teams to create the buzz. While there’s no conspiracy, Tuberville is dead-on right that ESPN has so much influence that by highlighting the nation's top two teams, it's cementing in everyone's minds that there's not all that much debate in the Rose Bowl hunt. Since poll voters don’t have time to follow college football closely enough to make an informed decision, most of them just go by the highlights. Therefore, the SportsCenter highlight editors are some of the most influential people in college football. In an attempt to inform the unwashed masses, I attempt to kick some knowledge in this week’s …
C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
The ten ways the world has disappointed me this week by already handing Reggie Bush the Heisman …
Yes, USC RB Reggie Bush is sure top five draft pick and an unbelievable talent, but the Heisman is supposed to go to the best player in a given season, not the best pro prospect. There’s no beef about Bush being a worthy candidate, and there won't be any complaints from me if he wins it. After all, he leads the nation in all-purpose rushing yards. My problem is how so many in the media appear to have voted already without doing much research. If you know all the facts and still think Bush is the nation's top player this year, fine. Just don't get lazy, and consider all the other factors.
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
10. ESPN’s highlights
With the possible exception of Vince Young, Bush is the nation’s most exciting player and a highlight waiting to happen. However, in a 45 second highlight package of USC games, ESPN will show one great Bush play, and the voter, who didn’t see the entire game, will have his preconceived notion solidified. For example, in USC’s 51-24 win over Washington, Matt Leinart was brilliant, Dwayne Jarrett was unbelievable with three touchdown catches, including a one-handed jaw-dropper, but the boo-yas saved the most praise for Bush’s spectacular punt return for a touchdown. Even though Bush only gained 51 yards and a score, his punt return is what everyone remembers.
9. The Notre Dame game
Bush was brilliant against the Irish rushing for 160 yards and three touchdowns while catching four passes for 35 more. Unfortunately for other Heisman candidates, everyone watched that game, and for most of the voters, that’s the only time they’ll see Bush play. Bush certainly hasn't been bad over the rest of the season, but he hasn't done that.
8. Brian Calhoun
The Badger back has handled the ball a whopping 254 times so far. Take him out of the Wisconsin offense, and the Badgers are likely fighting for a winning season instead of a Big Ten title. He leads the nation with 126 points with 19 rushing scores and two touchdown catches and while he might not be as explosive as Bush, he’s more of a workhorse and is having the better season.
7. All of the other great Pac 10 backs
You’d be wrong, but you could make a case that Bush doesn’t necessarily deserve to be First Team All-Pac 10. Washington State’s Jerome Harrison leads the league in rushing and is second in the nation averaging 164 yards per game with 12 rushing touchdowns. Without the supporting cast around him that Bush has, Harrison has still rushed for 113 yards or more in every game this year, and has a string of 11-straight 100-yard games going back to last year. More on the Pac 10 in a moment. There’s also …
Obligatory cut to Michael Vick …
6. LenDale White
Bush doesn’t have to be overworked. White has led the team in rushing four times so far and has 853 yards and 13 touchdowns. As UCLA’s star linebacker Spencer Havner told me, “Bush won’t run inside, and he doesn’t have to with White. By far, I'd much rather have …”
5. Maurice Drew
The UCLA runner doesn’t have Bush’s rushing stats gaining 687 yards to 909, but he leads the nation in punt returns with 407 to Bush’s 156, and has 360 receiving yards to Bush’s 284. He also has a nose for the end zone with 19 touchdowns on the year. In fourth quarter crunch time, there hasn't been a better back in the country this season.
4. Vince Young
USC can win without Bush, but Texas isn’t in the national title hunt without VY. Not only has the Longhorn star rushed for 725 yards and eight touchdowns, but he has improved his passing completing 63% of his throws for 1,835 yards and 16 touchdowns. He threw for 1,849 yards and 12 scores last year.
3. MVP
If you’re voting for the Heisman based on who the Most Valuable Player is, Bush is up there, but not ahead of Young, Calhoun, and possibly, Virginia Tech’s Marcus Vick.
2. Anti-two time factor
Heisman voters are weird. They hate voting for anyone but a quarterback or running back, and you can forget about getting the prize if you’re a freshman or sophomore. To give the award to Matt Leinart is to anoint college football immortality, which voters aren’t going to be too excited about doing. Voters like to spread the honor around, and there are many who believe Bush has been every bit as important to the three-year run as Leinart. Even so, the best player in college football so far this year, if it isn’t Vince Young, is …
1. Matt Leinart
He’s on pace to throw for more yards than 2004 averaging 314 per game, but that doesn’t generate the “wow” factor like Bush and Young provide. However, don’t forget that Leinart doesn’t have Norm Chow this year to rely on, and he's handling the pressure of the media hype and expectations like a ten-year NFL veteran. USC might not have beaten Notre Dame without Bush, but it really wouldn’t have won without Leinart throwing one of the three most significant passes in the last 20 years (if USC goes on to win the national title) with the fourth down audible and throw to Dwayne Jarrett to keep the final drive alive (to go along with Craig Krenzel’s fourth down touchdown pass to beat Purdue 10-6 in Ohio State’s 2002 national title season, and Steve Walsh’s strike to Michael Irvin Miami’s 26-25 win over Florida State in 1987).
C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
1) Overrated: Luther Campbell... Underrated: Snoop Dogg
2) Overrated: Hunting for al Qaeda … Underrated: Chasing down Al Pena
3) Overrated: Dennis Franchione … Underrated: 8-0 and ranked fourth in the BCS
4) Overrated: Reporting your own violations ... Underrated: Illinois getting his with double secret probation
5) Overrated: Struggling for three quarters ... Underrated: “Coug it”
Sheer hubris run amok, week four … The three lines this week that appear to be a tad strange (7-2 over the first three weeks)
1) Tennessee +8 at Notre Dame, 2) Cal +1 over Oregon, 3) Arkansas State +6 at MTSU
Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … you can't spell "column sucks" without USC.
Comment