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The Calvacade of Whimsey

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  • The Calvacade of Whimsey

    Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
    a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances
    By Pete Fiutak What's your beef? ... E-mail with your thoughts

    If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … the humans rank my column on top, but the computers don’t like it as much.

    Son, how do you clear the cache? … “Bush push” has become college football's overused catchphrase equivalent of baseball’s “walk off home run.” Now, fathers all across America will have to explain to their sons that it has nothing to do with all the “medicine” ads.

    None are currently “masters of their domain” … Essay question of the week: Compare and contrast which group has been less successful: Jerry Seinfeld, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss post-Seinfeld, or Urban Meyer, Alex Smith, Kyle Whittingham and Mike Sanford post-2004 Utah. You have 20 minutes.

    You drive for show and putt for dough … I’m officially done feeling sorry for kickers who don’t come through in the clutch. They know what they’re getting themselves into when they take on the gig. If you get the special spot at the head of the keg line, and get to reenact the recruiting scene from He Got Game if you pull a Jamie Christensen, you have to accept getting dogged when you pull a John Vaughn.

    Phil Fulmer was the inside source who suggested this … The NCAA has sent Alabama an official letter requesting that PK Jamie Christensen’s nickname of “Money” be changed to Jamie “Earnings from legitimate on or off-campus employment during semester or term time in combination with other financial aid included in the student-athlete's individual financial aid limit up to the value of a full grant plus $2,000” Christensen.

    Or, you take your chances by spritzing yourself with Old Spitz Red Zone and stay out later and last longer after hanging out by the Sbarro at the mall … If a girl arrives at your door wanting you because of your Taco Bell grilled steak nachos, you instantly drop to one knee and propose marriage.

    This week’s college football drinking game … An offshoot of the old NormChow and BrettFavre drinking games, you take a shot every time an announcer utters the one word version of Texas defensive coordinator GeneChizik or Purdue defensive coordinator BrockSpack.

    I broke the dam.

    Next week, we turn a pile of leaves into a delightful holiday meal for eight … In the new weekly portion of the program we call John L. Smith’s Potpourri of Good Cheer, this beaut from the joking Michigan State head coach at halftime of the Northwestern loss when asked about was quarterback Drew Stanton’s biggest problem was after a rough first half: “He kept throwing the ball to the wrong guy.”

    And while you’re at it, give yourself a treat and throw in a MAC team or two. You deserve it. … Texas Tech just provided the formula on how to get everyone talking about you: play absolutely no one. With a joke of a non-conference schedule, a win over an average Nebraska team, and a blowout over a mediocre Kansas State squad, Texas Tech “earned” the national attention before the Texas game that most teams can only dream of. Chris, Lee and Kirk showed up, and the BCS loved the record Tech seventh in the first poll. Yeah, Texas Tech is good, but this goes to show that unless you’re an elite superpower, don’t push yourself.

    And he was later tested to find out why he’s with Sheryl Crow when he can have any French chick he wants … According to the French sports paper L'Equipe, Lance Armstrong got to the middle of the field for the coin toss of the Texas Tech – Texas game faster than the players because of the EPO still in his system from several years ago.

    ”Just because one thing is cool, doesn’t mean that something else doesn’t suck.” … Yes, it is possible that the SEC defenses really are that good and SEC offenses really are that bad.

    10. BCS rankings
    For those of you keeping score at home, LSU was sixth in the initial BCS rankings, beat a better-than-you-think Auburn team, and moved down to eighth. Miami, didn’t play anyone thanks to Wilma, and moved from eight to seven. I know, I know, the BCS is about the big picture and not just one week, but what’s the point of releasing the rankings now if they really aren’t indicative of what the final rankings will really be?

    9. Lucky Charms and getting old
    There was a time not too long ago when my morning routine consisted of three bowls of Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs and the sports section. Something strange happened over the last few months; I can’t do sugared cereals anymore. Like the “I can’t taste my beer ads”, that was me out in the street last Wednesday crying that my Lucky Charms were too sweet.

    8. Announcers, led by Bob Davie, confusing college and pro rules
    Davie is a fantastic color man, but he appeared a bit confused during Saturday night’s call of the Auburn-LSU game not remembering that a player is down when he hits the turf, even if he’s untouched. Other announcers made this mistake as well this weekend. Davie and Ron Franklin also blew it by questioning why LSU would choose the student end of the stadium in overtime rather than take the wind, forgetting that both teams would have to go into the same end zone.

    7. A turnover on fourth down counting in the stats
    The ball is changing possession anyway, so should it technically be counted as a turnover if you throw a pick or lose a fumble on fourth down? An interception 25 yards down the field is a plus compared to simply handing it over where the ball was snapped.

    6. Suggesting that the “loss of down” part of an intentional grounding penalty hurts
    It happens on every intentional grounding call. The official calls the yardage, and then signals the loss of down, and then the announcer says how the loss of down part is the real killer. Actually, it’s not. It would’ve been the same down anyway with or without the penalty, the offense just loses yards.

    5. Allstate field goal netting
    A picture of pitchman Pedro Cerrano in the webbing of the field goal nets would probably be more useful.

    4. Country music
    It’s a simple transition. Instead of the Tim McGraw thing at halftime of Monday Night Football, play the old MNF music that used to play behind Howard Cosell’s description of the highlights. Instead of Big ‘n’ Rich putting me in a grouchy mood every Saturday morning, just play two minutes of the fight song from whatever cit-tay/school the GameDay crew is at.

    3. Nebraska throwing the ball
    You’re watching a Nebraska game and you see the wonderful “N” helmets, the big line, and the speedy looking running backs, and then you see passes. Lots of passes. Nebraska was held to -2 yards rushing against Missouri in yet another loss under Bill Callahan. Meanwhile, Frank Solich’s Ohio team ran for 414 yards in the win over Ball State.

    2. “You’re hurting recruiting”
    It’s an unfortunate fact of college football life that unless you’re Tommy Bowden, once a coach is on the hot seat, it’s over. The last act of desperation coaches use to get the media and fans to stop the criticism is to say the negativity is hurting recruiting. No, a lousy football team is the problem.

    1. Not being able to review pass interference
    Judgment call, schmudgment call. If a receiver pushes off to gain a clear advantage to catch the ball, it should be subject to review. Alabama’s D.J. Hall clearly got away with a shove on the 43-yard catch against Tennessee changing the outcome of the game, the SEC race, and possibly, the national title race. Washington State’s Jason Hall clearly pushed off on one of his three touchdown catches against Cal. Numerous other receivers did the same thing with a little tap to gain just enough separation to make a big catch. While you don’t want replay halting and reviewing every play, there’s no reason this couldn’t be called from above on the game-changing catches.

    C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
    1) Overrated: The separation created by D.J. Hall ... Underrated: Holly Rowe’s cleavage during the Auburn-LSU game
    2) Overrated: Humans … Underrated: Computers
    3) Overrated: Brock Spack … Underrated: Brock Savage
    4) Overrated: Michael Vick ... Underrated: Marcus Vick
    5) Overrated: “Don’t Stop Believing” ... Underrated: Liz Phair

    Sheer hubris run amok, week three … The three lines this week that appear to be a tad strange (5-1 over the first two weeks)
    1) Ohio giving 3.5 at Buffalo, 2) UTEP giving 19 at Rice, 3) Arizona State giving 16 against Washington.

    Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … I was this close to coming up with some good items when I got tagged by Roman Harper causing the ball to fly out of the end zone.
    June 9, 1973 - The day athletic perfection was defined.

  • #2
    I agree with you there.