Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

    This was the first Onion article I ever read in the Onion....and have been looking for it since.

    Hysterical stuff.

    http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30420

    QUOTE
    Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding
    Controversial Experiment Comes To An End
    October 22, 1996 | Issue 30•11

    Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

    The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

    "It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears," said project head Dr. Eric Reed Friday, in an impassioned plea to Congress. "How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

    But Congress, under heavy pressure from the powerful monkey rights lobby, decided that money being spent on the monkey collider would be put to better use in other areas of government. Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

    Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in monkey-colliding technology. Funds were quickly allocated so that Reed could spend a week procuring monkeys on Florida's beautiful Captiva Island. Though Reed returned with a great tan and a beautiful young fiancee, he reported that there were no monkeys to be found on the sunny Gulf Coast island. Congress funded subsequent trips to the Cayman Islands, Bora Bora and Cancun, but these searches also yielded negative results.

    Two years passed without a single monkey being procured, and Congress was close to cutting the project's funding. It was then that Reed got the idea to utilize monkeys already being bred in captivity. The Congressional Subcommittee for Scientific Investigation was enthralled by the idea of watching caged monkeys copulate, and increased funding by 40 percent.

    With a steady supply of monkeys ensured, construction of the monkey collider began on a scenic Colorado site. Despite environmental pressure, a mountain was levelled to facilitate construction of the seven-mile-wide complex. Huge underground tunnels were dug, at a cost of billions of dollars and 17 lives. Money left over was used to build resort homes, spas and video arcades for Reed, his colleagues and several Congressmen.

    Construction of the collider's acceleration mechanism was delayed for years, as scientists couldn't decide how to get the monkeys up to smashing speed. Last month, it was finally decided that the collider would employ a system in which the monkeys run through the tunnels chasing holographic projections of bananas. "Monkeys love bananas," Reed said, "and they're willing to run extremely fast to get them."

    But now it seems the acceleration mechanism may never be built. With the monkey collider placed on indefinite hold, the huge research facility in Colorado lies dormant.

    To keep the space from going to waste, Congress Monday voted to convert the empty underground tunnel into a federally funded drag-racing track. The track is expected to create hundreds of jobs in the form of pit crews and concessions workers, and will allow President Clinton to impress important foreign dignitaries with America's wheelie technology.

    Despite this promising alternate plan, most involved with the monkey collider project feel the sudden cuts in funding are inexcusable. "It is a travesty of science," Reed said. "I remember the joy I felt in college when I would launch monkeys at one another with big rubber bands, and this project would have been even more enlightening."
    [/b][/quote]
    Official Lounge Sponsor of:
    MIGOTS!, TJ Oshie, David Freese, Sponsoring Softball Players, Trout, Bon Jovi, Cold, hard facts, rigidly defined with mathematical precision, The abortion boat, which traveled to Poland in 2003 and Ireland in 2001.

    Former Lounge Sponsor of:
    The Hebrew Hammer, BBZ, Foods that start with the letter 'Q', Paul 'Visor' Mitchell, FBBHOFer Brett "William" Wallace, BBFHOF, THE LALPHABET: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N I Z M N O P Q R S T U V Z T U V X Y X Z, The Return of MarkD.

  • #2
    Awesome.

    This has been one of my favorites for awhile.

    Comment


    • #3
      QUOTE(Dr.Gonzo @ Oct 3 2005, 01:51 PM) Quoted post

      Awesome.

      This has been one of my favorites for awhile.
      [/b][/quote]
      "Shivved In The McRibs"

      [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img]
      Official Lounge Sponsor of:
      MIGOTS!, TJ Oshie, David Freese, Sponsoring Softball Players, Trout, Bon Jovi, Cold, hard facts, rigidly defined with mathematical precision, The abortion boat, which traveled to Poland in 2003 and Ireland in 2001.

      Former Lounge Sponsor of:
      The Hebrew Hammer, BBZ, Foods that start with the letter 'Q', Paul 'Visor' Mitchell, FBBHOFer Brett "William" Wallace, BBFHOF, THE LALPHABET: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N I Z M N O P Q R S T U V Z T U V X Y X Z, The Return of MarkD.

      Comment


      • #4
        QUOTE(BringBackZezel @ Oct 3 2005, 01:54 PM) Quoted post

        QUOTE(Dr.Gonzo @ Oct 3 2005, 01:51 PM) Quoted post

        Awesome.

        This has been one of my favorites for awhile.
        [/b][/quote]
        "Shivved In The McRibs"

        [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img]
        [/b][/quote]

        I figure you'd be more in tune with "The Grapist," a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.

        Comment


        • #5
          QUOTE(Dr.Gonzo @ Oct 3 2005, 01:58 PM) Quoted post

          QUOTE(BringBackZezel @ Oct 3 2005, 01:54 PM) Quoted post

          QUOTE(Dr.Gonzo @ Oct 3 2005, 01:51 PM) Quoted post

          Awesome.

          This has been one of my favorites for awhile.
          [/b][/quote]
          "Shivved In The McRibs"

          [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/roll2.gif[/img]
          [/b][/quote]

          I figure you'd be more in tune with "The Grapist," a huge purple monster who sodomizes thirsty children.
          [/b][/quote]
          [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/ph34r.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/blink.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/dry.gif[/img]
          Official Lounge Sponsor of:
          MIGOTS!, TJ Oshie, David Freese, Sponsoring Softball Players, Trout, Bon Jovi, Cold, hard facts, rigidly defined with mathematical precision, The abortion boat, which traveled to Poland in 2003 and Ireland in 2001.

          Former Lounge Sponsor of:
          The Hebrew Hammer, BBZ, Foods that start with the letter 'Q', Paul 'Visor' Mitchell, FBBHOFer Brett "William" Wallace, BBFHOF, THE LALPHABET: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N I Z M N O P Q R S T U V Z T U V X Y X Z, The Return of MarkD.

          Comment


          • #6
            I like the "If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will" editorial.

            I also enjoyed the "Time To Start Cracking Skulls" editorial.
            RIP Chris Jones 1971-2009
            You'll never be forgotten.

            Comment


            • #7
              I always liked the "Lutheran Minister Loves to Fuck his Wife" article.
              "You can't handle my opinions." Moedrabowsky

              Jeffro is a hell of a good man.

              "A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel." - Robert Frost

              Comment


              • #8
                My favorite Onion moment is the point/counterpoint:

                'Sexual Harrasment in the Workplace Must Stop!'/'I love the way your tits bounce when you type.'
                Are you on the list?

                Comment


                • #9
                  The one that got me hooked was way back in '97 or '98 about the inventor of the 'floor'. Mentioned that he'd first tried a gyroscopic-type rotating disk, but couldn' keep furniture and people from flying off, and that it would be a boon to buildings like the Sears tower, which until now was just a mess of mangled furniture and bodies in the basement.

                  I'd love to find that one somewhere....

                  -RBB

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    QUOTE(RedBirdBrain @ Oct 3 2005, 03:26 PM) Quoted post

                    The one that got me hooked was way back in '97 or '98 about the inventor of the 'floor'. Mentioned that he'd first tried a gyroscopic-type rotating disk, but couldn' keep furniture and people from flying off, and that it would be a boon to buildings like the Sears tower, which until now was just a mess of mangled furniture and bodies in the basement.

                    I'd love to find that one somewhere....

                    -RBB
                    [/b][/quote]

                    Here.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I am just glad onion is someplace in the title or people would be screaming how it isn't true, and should be locked or banned or something..... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/rolleyes.gif[/img]
                      Be passionate about what you believe in, or why bother.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Area Man Constantly Mentioning He Doesn't Own A Television is one of my favorites, in part because I know two guys who fit the description very well. JJ.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          QUOTE(Dr.Gonzo @ Oct 3 2005, 03:37 PM) Quoted post

                          QUOTE(RedBirdBrain @ Oct 3 2005, 03:26 PM) Quoted post

                          The one that got me hooked was way back in '97 or '98 about the inventor of the 'floor'. Mentioned that he'd first tried a gyroscopic-type rotating disk, but couldn' keep furniture and people from flying off, and that it would be a boon to buildings like the Sears tower, which until now was just a mess of mangled furniture and bodies in the basement.

                          I'd love to find that one somewhere....

                          -RBB
                          [/b][/quote]

                          Here.
                          [/b][/quote]

                          I love you.

                          -RBB

                          Comment

                          Working...
                          X