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Complaint letter of the year

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  • Complaint letter of the year

    This dude's alright.

    L i n k
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

    I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

    I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

    I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
    will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

    I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

    British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
    But wait. There is something that can be done afterall. My good friend Angelo is a cop in the Tampa/Clearwater area. Since I kept all of the files from the access logs when I had the power to see them, guess what, I have everyone's IP addresses. Hmm..what can I do w/ those??
    ...

  • #2
    Sweet prose...

    Comment


    • #3
      Classic! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

      Comment


      • #4
        He said "twats"!!!!

        [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

        The first time he mentioned the "testicle fondling" I about fell out of my chair.

        Awesome!!!!!!!!
        --Official Lounge Sponsor of Coach Mike Anderson, Colby Rasmus, and Pearl Jam.
        --Suck it cubbies.
        --Thanks to RBB for my kick ace avatar!!** --RETIRE #51!!!

        Comment


        • #5
          let me answer:

          we're sorry you're having these problems and would like to help you resolve them, thank you.

          Comment


          • #6
            "We are experiencing an unusually high volume of calls at this time. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received..."
            OFFICIAL LOUNGE SPONSOR OF INDEPENDENT MUSIC
            OFFICIAL LOUNGE SPONSOR OF YOUR 2019 STANLEY CUP CHAMPION ST. LOUIS BLUES!!!
            OFFICIAL LOUNGE SPONSOR OF WACHA WACHA WACHA
            OFFICIAL LOUNGE SPONSOR OF PICKS AND PROSPECTS FOR THE OAKLAND ATHLETICS

            Comment


            • #7
              "Your call may be recorded for quality purposes."
              I agree with Davhaf.....Kaiser March 9,2004

              Official Lounge co-sponsor of Jason Motte.

              Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.

              Bill Walton

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              • #8
                Thank you for calling customer service, how can I help you

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