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9/20 Calvacade of Whimsey

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  • 9/20 Calvacade of Whimsey

    Fiu's Cavalcade of Whimsy
    a.k.a. Frank Costanza's Festivus Airing of the Grievances

    By Pete Fiutak

    If this column sucks, it’s not my fault … NCAA president Myles Brand wouldn’t allow me to use my best lines because it constituted a type of “athletic looting” of other columns.

    Barbara Bush made a “personal observation” that the players were much better off … In case you missed it, Brand, the Grand Poobah of the increasingly silly NCAA, confirmed that Division I basketball and football players from schools closed by Hurricane Katrina will still have to sit out for a year. Brand continued by saying the NCAA wouldn’t stand for “athletic looting” of the various teams claiming several coaches of schools affected by Katrina whined about other coaches trying to recruit their players.

    Coaches can go from one team to another without having to sit out a year. Students can transfer from one college to another without any sort of a penalty. It’s time the repressive NCAA realizes how unfair it is to its employees, er, student-athletes and allow them to transfer as well if they choose to. If a player doesn’t like the school he’s at, he should be able to leave at any time without penalty. Go ahead, raid away. If a coach doesn’t like this idea, then he should make sure his school and program are good enough to keep the players. As far as the coaches of the “Katrina schools”, if you really care about your players, you’ll let them do what’s in their best interest, not yours. And to the NCAA, it is possible to make exceptions to the rules and use some actual judgment when it's time to do the decent thing.

    ”Well played, Charles Nelson Reilly. And finally.. if heaven exists.. what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?” … There is no word to describe the NCAA’s jerkweed attitude towards the best wishes of the student athletes, so I’m forced to make one up. And I’m going to do so right now. Scumtrilescent.

    And if possible, chip in a little extra for Sam Ryan … The NFL had its hurricane relief weekend showing class and heart in the effort to help the just cause. Now college football should follow suit. The weekend of October 24th should be when college football uses its massive game attendance and wide reach from its telecasts to raise money to pay Erin Andrews to do jumping jacks every time she’s on camera.

    ”I’m expecting reports from some of you. I’m not joking, this is my job.” … Sideline reporters get a bad rap, so it’s only fair to bring to light when they do a fantastic job. Holly Rowe nailed it during the Florida State – Boston College game pointing out that backup quarterback Xavier Lee wasn’t likely to play since he didn’t look mentally ready and didn't appear to be paying much attention to the game and the play calls. As she was talking, the camera was on Lee as he was laughing with a teammate even though the team, at the time, was in big trouble.

    Screw you, Mellon … Having had both, I know how painful and debilitating groin injuries and cramps can be and how there’s really nothing funny about them. Unfortunately, I’m cursed. Every time I hear an announcer mention a groin injury, like TCU’s Lonta Hobbs suffered against Utah, in pops the image of Sam Malone filling in as a sportscaster rapping about knowing “what it's like to have a groin injury. G-g-groin, g-g-groin injury.” I can’t hear an announcer mention that a player has cramps without thinking of Chaz Osborne in Back to School claiming to have one only to have Jason Mellon opine that “they’re probably menstrual.”

    ''Commodities are agricultural products, like pork bellies, which are used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich.” … My favorite line of the weekend came from Mike Tirico in the Utah-TCU game when comparing great Horned Frog quarterbacks: “And there’s Davey O’Brien, of Davey O’Brien Award fame.”

    But the shortened name is a lot cooler ... Pitt fans, raise your hands if you still want Walt Harris back.

    The 2005 Emmys isn't an option ... The scarier watch: TCU head coach Gary Patterson sweating vs. Clemson head coach Tommy Bowden needing to take a knee after the loss to Miami. Discuss.

    The C.O.W. airing of the grievances followed by the feats of strength
    The top ten ways the world has disappointed me this week …

    10. Tennessee – Florida
    Considering the tremendous games these two teams have come up with in recent years, last week’s Texas – Ohio State thriller, and the brilliant Miami – Clemson and Michigan State – Notre Dame classics, Tennessee – Florida fell a tad flat.

    9. Counting defensive scores in the scoring offense category
    Ohio has one offensive touchdown in its three games and three defensive scores to average ten points per game. Technically, the Bobcats should be 118th in the nation in scoring offense averaging four points per game (fine, count the extra points off defensive scores).

    8. Suspending Adrian Peterson from practice for missing class
    That’s like punishing a normal college kid for not going to class by not allowing him to go to class.

    7. ESPN Classic Now ads
    They appear on every commercial break during GamePlan games and I still can’t figure them out. Why, exactly, do you have to tell is like it was to be able to tell it like it is?

    6. Barry Bonds
    Oh will it be fun to watch how baseball Bud Selig and the suck up networks tip-toe around this one. Bonds is scumtrilescent and he admitted in front of a grand jury that he used a type of steroid. Why are you rooting for him to pass Babe Ruth and a classy baseball ambassador like Hank Aaron?

    5. High five over an official’s call
    Not once, but twice this weekend the TV camera caught a shot of fans high fiving after an official’s call was overturned. The application has been submitted to ban the high five among fans after anything but the most important plays, and a decision is expected sometime in early 2007. An overturned call is not a reason to high five, even if it’s in a key moment in a big game like Tennessee – Florida.

    4. NFL Monday night hurricane relief effort celebrity phone operators
    I called in hoping to get Donovan McNabb and got Danny Kanell.

    3. Rome
    I’ll buy any Sunday night original program HBO is selling, but I can’t follow the “epic drama” even after watching each episode twice. They stick in the gratuitous nudity so people will be distracted from remembering how much they miss The Sopranos.

    2. “Taking it to the house”
    This catch phrase for a long touchdown play has officially jumped the shark (as has the phrase, jump the shark). This includes the Keith Jackson version, “taking it home” and Mark May’s “take it into the house.”

    1. Playing stars against DI-AA teams
    Two words for Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Auburn: Western Carolina. Alabama rolled through its first two games last year and appeared to have the makings of a killer offense, and then starting quarterback Brodie Croyle got knocked out for the year with a knee injury suffered in the 52-0 win over WCU. Northern Illinois star running back Garrett Wolfe appears to be fine, but he hurt his shoulder in the 42-3 win over Tennessee Tech a week before the MAC opener. Reggie McNeal, Cody Hodges and Brandon Cox looked fantastic last week in their respective games last week. There’s no need to play them, or any of the starters, against DI-AA foes this week. Let the backups get meaningful work and experience for when they’re needed later in the season.

    ”Now you all look money hungry and that's good. Anybody who says money is the root of all evil, doesn't have it. Money can't buy happiness? Look at the (bleep)ing smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. You wanna hear details? I drive a Ferrari 355 cabriolet. I have a ridiculous house on the South Fork. I've got every toy you can imagine. And best of all, kids, I am liquid.” … It’s a little earlier than I’d like to bring it out, but by popular demand, I’m reintroducing the double-digit home dog theory.

    I noticed a trend last year that after the early part of the season, the double-digit home underdog almost always covered. By the end of the season, the final tally, against the spread, was an amazing 51-21 (71%). Like I said, it’s still a little early. I’d prefer to wait at least another week or two until conference play really gets rolling, but several of you e-mailed me giggling that this theory worked for you last week (Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort) with Temple covering the 29 points at home against Toledo (losing 42-17) and Buffalo holding up covering the 22 points at home against Rutgers (losing 17-3).

    So to kick it off for this week as purely an exercise for the interest of the general public and never something to risk Junior’s juice money over, here are the DDHDs.
    - Iowa State -17.5 at Army
    - Cal -30 at New Mexico State
    - Florida -22.5 at Kentucky
    - Notre Dame -13.5 at Washington (I know the theory is sound, the theory is wise, but I don’t see how U-Dub keeps this one under two TDs.)
    - Louisville -21.5 at South Florida
    - USC -21.5 at Oregon
    - Georgia -14.5 at Miss State
    - Michigan State -10.5 at Illinois

    Which weighs more, a pound of ineptitude or a pound of stupidity? … Think back to when you were in the ninth grade. You didn’t have to care about soul-crushing life issues like insurance, cholesterol or TPS reports, but you did have to stress about word problems. Here’s one you probably didn’t have to solve back in the day: a dumbass coach is greater than a pinhead writer, and two assistant coaches are greater than a dumbass coach, in what order should they go from most to least?

    I know I’ve beaten this into the ground over the years, but I still can’t fathom just how bad the college football polls are. Worse yet, no one, not the Gameday guys, not the rest of the Boo-Ya network, not the ABC dudes, and very few in the print or online media is stepping up to call attention to the continued gross incompetence of the voters.

    It’s one thing for both polls to have Iowa ranked ahead of Iowa State after the 23-3 Cyclone win over the Hawkeyes, but it’s another to have Michigan State, who’s 3-0, ranked behind Notre Dame, who’s 2-1, on the day after the Spartans won in South Bend. It’s not like this wasn’t the lead story on EVERY highlight show and sports page. It’s not like it wasn’t one of the most exciting games of the last few years. It’s not like it was Akron over MTSU. This was Michigan State beating Notre Dame, and still, the win meant precisely squat in the polls. Worse yet, Michigan somehow got better than the Irish last week hopping ahead in the rankings (remember, the Irish beat the Wolverines in Ann Arbor). Once again, sorry to be a broken record and to harp, but someone has to.

    C.O.W. shameless gimmick item … The weekly five Overrated/Underrated aspects of the world
    1) Overrated: Mark May’s goatee ... Underrated: Desmond Howard’s Morris Day mustache
    2) Overrated: Florida offense ... Underrated: Florida defense
    3) Overrated: The North Texas rushing offense … Underrated: Patrick Cobbs leading the Mean Green in receptions against Tulsa catching four passes for -7 yards.
    4) Overrated: Texas Tech scoring 80 ... Underrated: USC scoring 70
    5) Overrated: Brandy, Randy, Candy … Underrated: Sandy

    Sorry this column sucked, but it wasn’t my fault … there’s no need to keep sending me angry, hate-filled e-mails just because I bobbled and dropped a touchdown pass against Texas.
    June 9, 1973 - The day athletic perfection was defined.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-Kva...eature=related

  • #2
    QUOTE
    The NFL had its hurricane relief weekend showing class and heart in the effort to help the just cause. Now college football should follow suit. The weekend of October 24th should be when college football uses its massive game attendance and wide reach from its telecasts to raise money to pay Erin Andrews to do jumping jacks every time she’s on camera.[/b][/quote]

    [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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    • #3
      Hamby dropped the first pass Ohio State threw to him against SDSU, I booed the shit outta him. Someone behind me said "thats probably the guy who sent him the hate mail". Good times. Good read.
      You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

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      • #4
        Terrorist
        Official Lounge Sponsor:
        Tom Brady, Brandon Spikes and the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
        The 29 Time Beanpot Champion Boston University Terriers
        Clay Buchholz, Dustin Pedroia, Aaron Curry

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        • #5
          QUOTE
          2. “Taking it to the house”
          This catch phrase for a long touchdown play has officially jumped the shark (as has the phrase, jump the shark). This includes the Keith Jackson version, “taking it home” and Mark May’s “take it into the house.” [/b][/quote]

          You listening, Mike Kelly?
          Official sponsor of Mike Shannon's Retirement Party

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