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Matt Leinart Just Three Away

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  • Matt Leinart Just Three Away

    Matt Leinart Just Three Away from Successfully Doing USC’s Entire Co-Ed Population

    Southern Cal senior quarterback Matt Leinart revealed today he has just three girls left to sleep with until he will have successfully bedded USC’s entire co-ed population.

    “I’ve won two national titles since I’ve been here and a Heisman Trophy,” said Leinart. “I sure didn’t stick around another year for football reasons. People should realize that much. It was solely for the tail – and I’m happy to report I’m this close to achieving my goal of successfully nailing every single co-ed on this campus.”

    USC has 16,000 undergraduates, 8,300 of which are females, and Leinart says his current tally is at 8,297. The remaining girls are:

    - Becky Myers, 20, a political science major who only just got back onto campus after a semester studying abroad in London and is now doing independent study in Sacramento.

    - Elaine Vazquez, 21, president of USC’s prayer club.

    - And Shelli Thomas, 21, an engineering major and best friend and roommate of Leinart’s longtime girlfriend.

    “All of them present a unique challenge, but I’ve had tougher,” said Leinart. “And it’s really not that hard for me. I’m a god on this campus. I can pretty much walk up to any girl and just say: ‘We’re going to go have sex now,’ and she’ll just stop what she’s doing and come with me, no questions asked. It’s great to be the good looking, Heisman-winning quarterback of the two-time defending national champions, I must admit.”

    “I was as shocked as anyone when he told me he was coming back to school to play this year,” said head coach Pete Carroll. “But then he told me his reason and I completely understood. You should see the girls on this campus – jeez, they’re hot! And you’re only young and in college once, right? Get it while you can. I think it’s a very noble goal he has and I’m pulling for him to get it. And it speaks to the kind of character he has – he wanted to achieve something and went to work to make it happen. He’s not just out their willy-nilly having sex with anyone like a lot of athletes. He’s being very methodical and goal-oriented about it.”

    But while Leinart thinks he can meet his goal before USC kicks off its season this Saturday against Hawaii, others are doubting the validity of his reported number.

    “He’s not having full-on intercourse with all of these girls,” said linebacker Eli Matthews. “Probably half of them have just been oral sex. And in my book, oral sex doesn’t count. Because if it does, then I’m probably going to end up getting in trouble with my girlfriend.”

    Others say he has yet to factor in the 2,000-plus incoming freshman girls into his tally. While Leinart admits that is true, he notes that he is a fifth-year senior, so the incoming class is not included under the official guidelines of his quest. Although he doesn’t think he’d have much problem if he chooses to add them.

    “Everybody knows how slutty freshman girls are,” he said. “They get away from home and go nuts. They’ll sleep with anything. I think I could polish them off by early October.”

    And while Leinart may be the envy of many around the country, he says his lot in life is not always as wonderful as people might think.

    “Sure, 98, 99 percent of the girls at USC are amazingly hot,” he said, “but don’t forget I also had to do a fair share of fat, ugly ones, too – band members, chemistry majors, people like that. And the lesbians were always difficult to convince. But I’d say worst of all was the post-op trannies. The next morning you end up asking yourself a lot of serious questions about what it really means to be a heterosexual man.”

    Official Lounge Sponsor of:
    Brett Hull & St. Patricks Day

  • #2



    • #3
      That's too funny!


      • #4

        I knew there was a reason he came back.


        • #5


          • #6
            Prolly not too far from the truth.

            I wonder what he thought of Paige Laurie?
            Official sponsor of Mike Shannon's Retirement Party


            • #7
              Fake quote of the week from that site:
              “Oh, sweet! Does this mean I’m not going to be laid off?”

              Pedro Gomez, ESPN reporter, upon hearing Barry Bonds plans to return this season
              Official sponsor of Mike Shannon's Retirement Party


              • #8
                That was funny.
                When you say to your neighbor, "We're having a loud party on Saturday night if that's alright with you," what you really mean is, "We're having a loud party on Saturday night."