Bad Joke Monday

[moedrabowsky]

A minister placed four worms into separate jars.
The first was placed in a jar of alcohol. The second was put in a jar filled with cigarette smoke. The third was placed in a jar of chocolate syrup and the fourth was put into a jar filled with clean soil.
The first worm placed in alcohol soon died.
The second worm placed in second-hand smoke also ended up dead.
The third worm placed in chocolate also was soon deceased.
The fourth worm – placed in good soil – thrived.
When the minister asked what could be learned from the demonstration, a kid in the back of the church quickly raised his hand and replied:
“As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate – you won’t have any worms.”


Have a nice week, ya'll.

[Jaws]

A sports joke --

Football FINALLY makes sense.........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[dredbyrd]

C, E flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry. We don't serve minors." E flat leaves and C and G have a fifth between them.

[Daisy Mae]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know.....it's never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[TTB]

Originally posted by Lois Lane@Aug 29 2005, 11:36 AM
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Don't know.....it's never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Quoted post

Gotta get these to my wife. Her and her gf love these types of 'man' jokes.

[Nsane2Bme]

[bcruise]

Originally posted by Nsane2Bme@Aug 29 2005, 12:50 PM

Quoted post

[RedBirdBrain]

http://www.baseballprospectus.com/ar...articleid=3888

Will Carroll 
STANDINGS 


NL EAST     NL CENTRAL     NL WEST
Braves      Cardinals      Giants
Mets       Cubs (WC)      Padres
Phillies     Brewers       Dodgers
Marlins     Astros       Diamondbacks
Nationals    Reds        Rockies
         Pirates

Cy Young 

Mark Prior 
Ben Sheets 
Jason Schmidt

Clay Davenport 

STANDINGS 


NL EAST     NL CENTRAL     NL WEST

Phillies     Cubs        Padres
Atlanta     Cardinals (WC)   Dodgers
Mets       Astros       Giants
Marlins     Brewers       Rockies
Nationals    Pirates       Diamondbacks
         Reds

Rany Jazayerli 
STANDINGS 


NL EAST     NL CENTRAL     NL WEST

Phillies     Cubs        Dodgers
Mets (WC)    Cardinals      Padres
Braves      Brewers       Giants
Marlins     Reds        Diamondbacks
Nationals    Astros       Rockies
         Pirates

MVP 

Carlos Beltran 
Bobby Abreu 
Adam Dunn 
Nomar Garciaparra 
Derrek Lee

Joe Sheehan 

STANDINGS 


NL EAST     NL CENTRAL     NL WEST

Mets       Cubs        Dodgers
Phillies     Cardinals (WC)   Padres
Marlins     Reds        Giants
Braves      Brewers       Diamondbacks
Nationals    Astros       Rockies
         Pirates

MVP 

Carlos Beltran 
Albert Pujols 
Scott Rolen 
Bobby Abreu 
Nomar Garciaparra

-RBB

[ksbluesfan]

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

[Dr.Gonzo]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"








And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I would give it to you?

[Ohio Blues]

Originally posted by Lois Lane@Aug 29 2005, 11:36 AM
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

Quoted post

Good GOD, humping women's legs at cocktal parties is so bad they need to plan how to stop it, but at the same time they plan on how to re elect a president who is screwing up the country financially and has gotten over 1000 kids killed (rightly or wrongly)?!???!?!!!?!

[Glovey]

Originally posted by Ohio Blues+Aug 29 2005, 06:05 PM-->

QUOTE(Ohio Blues @ Aug 29 2005, 06:05 PM)