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The Iraq War Rationale, Version 10.0

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  • The Iraq War Rationale, Version 10.0

    In the year since the invasion of Iraq, the Bush administration has repeatedly shifted its justification for going to war and constantly changed its story on intelligence, the United Nations, reconstruction, political transition and the cost to the American taxpayer. More than anything, the administration's war in Iraq resembles a software program that, at first, works brilliantly, but then catches the user in a cycle of "fatal error" messages.

    Here then, in Silicon Valley terms, is a review of the Bush administration's year in Iraq:

    Saddam Hussein poses an 'imminent threat' to the American people.
    Version 1.0 - Saddam Hussein is an imminent threat
    Version 1.01 - Saddam Hussein is a gathering threat
    Version 1.02 - Saddam Hussein poses a real and dangerous threat
    Version 1.1 - The smoking gun will be a mushroom cloud
    Version 1.2 - We can't afford to wait
    Version 1.3 - We never said imminent
    Version 1.3.1 - OK, maybe we did say it once or twice
    Version 1.4 - We should have been more precise

    Saddam Hussein is ready to use weapons of mass destruction.
    Version 2.1 - Saddam has weapons of mass destruction
    Version 2.2 - Saddam has nuclear weapons
    Version 2.3 - Saddam has biological agents he's never accounted for
    Version 2.3.1 - The trailers are mobile labs for producing chemical weapons
    Version 2.3.2 - Unmanned aircraft are ready to spread Saddam's biological weapons
    Version 2.4 - Saddam's going to make more of all these weapons
    Version 2.5 - We all know where the weapons are
    Version 2.5.1 - Well, Saddam has used weapons of mass destruction
    Version 2.5.2 - Iraq is a big country. We'll find the weapons eventually.
    Version 2.5.3 - Saddam had weapons of mass destruction programs
    Version 2.5.4 - Saddam had "weapons of mass destruction program-related activities"
    Version 2.5.5 - David Kay? Who's David Kay?
    Version 2.6 - It's not about misleading the American people—Saddam Hussein is gone and that's the most important thing

    The intelligence is clear.
    Version 3.0 - We based our statements on our available intelligence
    Version 3.1 - Saddam tried to buy uranium ore in Niger
    Version 3.1.2 - Well, that was what the British told us
    Version 3.1.3 - Did we tell you about Joe Wilson's wife?
    Version 3.1.4 - Do you know a good lawyer?
    Version 3.2 - The intelligence is absolutely clear
    Version 3.2.1 - Intelligence is never 100 percent certain
    Version 3.2.2 - We didn't manipulate the intelligence
    Version 3.3 - There was no consensus within the intelligence community
    Version 3.3.1 - We saw the same intelligence the last administration did

    Saddam Hussein has deep ties to Al Qaeda.
    Version 4.0 - Saddam has long-standing ties to Al Qaeda
    Version 4.0.1 - You can't distinguish between Saddam and Al Qaeda
    Version 4.0.2 - There is an Al Qaeda terrorist network in Iraq
    Version 4.0.3 - Saddam has provided Al Qaeda with chemical and biological weapons training.
    Version 4.0.4 - Saddam will give his weapons to Al Qaeda
    Version 4.0.5 - Colin Powell: I have not seen smoking-gun, concrete evidence about the connection [between Al Qaeda and Iraq]
    Version 4.0.6 - Vice President Cheney: I still believe there's a connection.
    Version 4.0.7 - CIA Director George Tenet: I told Dick not to say that.

    The United Nations just can't handle this.
    Version 5.0 - The UN had 12 years to deal with this
    Version 5.1 - We don't trust the UN to handle this
    Version 5.1.1 - We don't need the UN's help
    Version 5.1.2 - The UN should play a vital, but not central role
    Version 5.1.3 - You there, UN, tell Ayatollah Sistani that elections aren't possible
    Version 5.1.4 - UN, please oversee the election process
    Version 5.1.5 - Pretty please? We'll pay our dues

    The war in Iraq won't hurt our efforts in Afghanistan or the hunt for bin Laden.
    Version 6.0 - Iraq won't affect our hunt for bin Laden
    Version 6.1 - Assets have been moved from Afghanistan to Iraq
    Version 6.1.1 - Assets are being returned to Afghanistan
    Version 6.2 - We're mounting a spring offensive against bin Laden
    Version 6.2.1 - We'll catch bin Laden this year
    Version 6.2.2 - We hope to catch bin Laden this year
    Version 6.3 - Even if we catch bin Laden, the threat will still exist.

    Mission accomplished.
    Version 7.0 - We won't need hundreds of thousands of troops—that's wildly off the mark
    Version 7.1 - Mission accomplished
    Version 7.1.1 - We'll stay as long as needed and not one day more
    Version 7.1.2 - The troops will be home in six months
    Version 7.1.3 - The Iraqi Army will provide security
    Version 7.1.4 - Where's the Iraqi Army?
    Version 7.1.5 - We've disbanded the Iraqi Army
    Version 7.1.3 - The troops will stay a year and be replaced
    Version 7.2 - We're training the Iraqi army—Iraqification will work
    Version 7.2.1 - We don't need any more American troops
    Version 7.2.2 - Well, maybe we do
    Version 7.2.3 - We're keeping 30,000 more troops on active duty than were authorized
    Version 7.2.4 - We don't know if this increase in troops is a spike or a plateau
    Version 7.2.5 - We're establishing stop loss so troops can't leave
    Version 7.2.6 - The Army is planning multi-year rotations

    The cost to the American taxpayer.
    Version 8.0 - Economic advisor Larry Lindsey: The war will cost $200 billion
    Version 8.0.1 - President Bush: You're fired!
    Version 8.1 - The war will pay for itself very quickly
    Version 8.1.1 - Iraqi oil revenue will pay for reconstruction
    Version 8.2 - Our allies will help us
    Version 8.3 - We'll pay for the war through supplementals
    Version 8.3.1 - Congress wouldn't let us put it in the budget
    Version 8.3.2 - Can we please have $87 billion?
    Version 8.3.3 - Well, we really can't calculate what it will cost...
    Version 8.3.4 - Well, maybe we can—$50 billion may be on the low side
    Version 8.3.5 - Ask us after November 2...

    Democracy comes to Iraq.
    Version 9.0 - We will be greeted as liberators
    Version 9.0.1 - We'll establish democracy in Iraq
    Version 9.1 - We'll turn this back to the Iraqis quickly
    Version 9.1.1 - President Chalabi will be welcomed with open arms
    Version 9.1.2 - Well, not so fast—we're prohibiting political parties
    Version 9.2 - We have the November 15 agreement—it's unchangeable
    Version 9.2.1 - We will appoint a small governing council
    Version 9.2.2 - Well, maybe a larger one
    Version 9.3 - We don't favor elections
    Version 9.3.1 - Caucuses work in Iowa, why not Iraq?
    Version 9.3.2 - OK fine, we'll have elections
    Version 9.4 - We can't return sovereignty until there is a constitution
    Version 9.4.1 - Never mind, we'll turn over sovereignty first
    Version 9.4.2 - We need to return this to the Iraqis—How about June 30?
    Version 9.4.3 - We're still focused on elections—the ones on November 2

    The bottom line.
    Version 10.0 - Trust us. We know what we're doing
    2005 Mandatory Loyalty Oath: I love America, our troops, baseball, Moms, and certain pies. I want no harm to come to any of those institutions, nor do I take any glee in their demise.

  • #2
    Bump - just to piss off the evening shift and the No Politics Fridays crowd.
    2005 Mandatory Loyalty Oath: I love America, our troops, baseball, Moms, and certain pies. I want no harm to come to any of those institutions, nor do I take any glee in their demise.


    • #3
      Version 10.0 - Trust us. We know what we're doing
      But we will not go under oath to talk about it.
      Be passionate about what you believe in, or why bother.