Questions to ponder.....

[Bleacher Creature]

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.


OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?


Imponderables:


If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?


If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?


Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?


Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in .... . . what happens to the other penny?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?


Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?


Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?


Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?


Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?


If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?


You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


How come no one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning?


Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?


Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.


If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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[Bleacher Creature]

More from Carlin

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Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

[davhaf]

"When airline stewards tell me to get on the plane, I say fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane".

[Bleacher Creature]

When you go to the toilet, are you "taking" a piss or dump, or, are you "leaving" it there?

[davhaf]

Where are you going? I have to take a shit. Don't take one of mine!

[Bleacher Creature]

Why does the ATM on the drivers side window contain a card with braille?

Why is it to shut down your computer, you have to click on the START button?

[Iowa_Card]

Originally posted by The Kev@Mar 26 2004, 07:04 AM
When you go to the toilet, are you "taking" a piss or dump, or, are you "leaving" it there?

You're giving it, not taking it. Allowing Wang to post an asscake pic with your name above it is an example of taking (a) shit.

[Ted Stryker]

Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?

[ElviswasaBluesFan]

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I think Winston already calls it that, among other things.

[davel]

OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

The "Flaming Thumbtacks"