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  • Jokes

    Just some I found. Add your favorites.

    A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.

    The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

    "Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

    What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl?

    The Saint Louis Rams

    In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.

    The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

    A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "Dick Vermeil?"

    People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize
    1. Britney Spears & Eminem
    Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read.

    2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
    Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

    3. America''s Oil Companies
    For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix.

    4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
    For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

    5. Bill Gates
    For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

    6. The Editors of Maxim
    For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models.

    7. Jared
    Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

    8. Jennifer Lopez
    Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her ass.

    9. That 300 Pound Guy
    Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights.

    10. Glaxo
    Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces.

    24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...
    1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

    2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

    3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

    4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

    5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

    6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

    7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

    8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

    9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

    10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

    11. Meow occasionally.

    12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

    13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

    14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

    15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

    16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

    17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

    18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

    19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

    20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

    21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

    22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

    23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

    24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

    10 Ways to Annoy Cops

    1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
    2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
    3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
    4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
    5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
    6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
    7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
    8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
    9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
    10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"

    Hollywood Lessons

    1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
    2. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
    3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
    4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
    5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
    6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
    7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.
    8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
    9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
    10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
    11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
    12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
    13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.
    14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
    15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    World War III
    Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

    The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

    Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

    The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Arabs and one bicycle repairman."

    The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

    Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Arabs!"
    Things Found Only in America
    1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
    2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
    3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
    4. Only in people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
    5. Only in banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
    6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
    7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
    8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
    9. Only in we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
    10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

  • #2
    Sometimes elections have positive consequences!